As I sit here, I see myself at a crossroads. It kind of reminds me about when I went off to college for the first time. I was both anxious and excited. Afraid yet thrilled. And a whole pool of other emotions. I'm moving into a new school this time, except this school is a bit further away. The classes I will be taking will be a little different. I will be diving into a new stage of my college career.
I'm at a crossroads.
My freshmen and sophomore year of college were challenging years. The adjustment to post high school life and leaving home was hard for me that first year. I juggled personal obstacles along the way and had to learn how to read/write/study as a college kid verses a high school one. The growth was painful but also good. As I sit here now, I see how it has made me grow as a young adult.
Most importantly, it taught me to not be sorry.
For my entire life, I was the people-pleaser. I wanted everyone to like me and it just killed me if everyone did not. I cried easily and was constantly on edge. Not that I did not enjoy life or being with my friends, I did...I just always seemed to have a little extra baggage of worry attached. A baggage that was only there because I thought it needed to be. I was always the one to say "sorry".
I would back down rather than push. I wouldn't stand up for myself a lot of times because I did not like confrontation. I would have this internal doubt that just sat there. After 20 years, I finally have recognized this self-doubt and have decided it has to go.
This has been a process I've been going through since January. A process of actually moving past the recognition of my lack of self-confidence and working to overcome it. God has been by my side through the whole process and He helped me in ways I cannot put into words. His presence has been felt and I think so, no I know, that much of this would not have happened had He not been at work.
Recently, a Pantene commercial was released entitled "Sorry Not Sorry". It is a video that tells women to be strong and not back down. Stop saying sorry too much. This commercial wraps up all I've been muddling through.
This is not to say that we should be egotistical. This is not saying that I should never admit when I am wrong or take responsibility for my actions. This is about me recognizing when it is called for to say "sorry", and when I can stand up for myself. This is about me turning off the internal voice that says "you are not good enough for this" and turning on God's voice of "this is My plan for you".
It less two months now I'll be moving back into a new school. I've repeatedly talked about this on all my social media accounts, but it is because I'm still in awe that this is happening. I've seen now though, that God has been preparing me for this journey all along. He has worked within me as He plans to use me/grow me further in Washington, DC. I'll be out of my comfort zone. But finally this is thrilling me rather than terrifying me; like it would have done had this been happening this time last year.
Entering my junior year means I'm entering the last two years of college. A time when I'm preparing for the real world and building my skills for my future profession, rather than just adjusting to being in college. I think I'm actually ready now and I think that I will taught some of these "skills" for the real world/career world more in next 6 months than any other time.
I'll be living in our nation's capital. I'll be participating in a program with about 15 other journalism students from around the world including Germany, South Korea, areas all over the United States; an intimate and hands on program. I'm preparing for a trip where I will meet in person my ultimate role model. A woman who inspired me enough that I'm where I am today. I'll be meeting some of the best in the news field. I'll be working at a newsroom and learning my craft from some of the best news reporters and anchors and producer in the field. I'll be attending a church that is larger than I've ever been in, in a city that is bigger than I've ever been in.
If I think too much about it, I feel overwhelmed. However, I've learned to take it one day at a time and one step at a time. Just like I will for all 116 days I'll be in Washington, DC. I know though that every day I will tell myself that I am enough. That I should not apologize to someone just because they don't agree with me or even if they don't like me. I'm enough for God and I'm enough for me.
I'm me.
A girl who loves being in a family of fellowship. Who drinks one too many cups of coffee. A girl who likes to watch Castle and Gilmore Girls in binge runs of two or more episodes. A girl who connects with those both near my age and older; all of which I consider friends.
I'm finally learning to love that me. To embrace that me. To love that me.
