Horseback Riding Catalyzing my Servant Leadership Preparations

It's been many months since I've blogged about anything. Not particular reason perpetuates why I've crickets have resided on my blog. Perhaps it's just the frenzied pace of life. Regardless, my soul longs to write a smidgen amount. 

#ThirdYearBestYear is my current hashtag for life. Why? Due to the fact that as of a few weeks ago, I am FINALLY AT MY FINAL YEAR OF SEMINARY. Which is both surreal and feels long over due. There is no hiding that these past two years of seminary have been a challenge for me: spiritually, physically, and mentally. Ask any young adult or adult for that matter that's attempting to juggle adulthood (yay bills!), a full course load, and working. It's an overspilling plate that is both exhausting yet so richly rewarding. While I feel as if these past two years have lasted decades, it mostly appears as if I was just walking on the campus of Emory University to begin orientation with all the other first years. Now, I'll be serving on the orientation leadership to welcome the first years as a senior. 

Only recently, though, have I come to understand that a large learning component in my seminary preparations for a life of servant leadership within ordained ministry doesn't take place on a campus or within a church building. 

It takes place in a barn on the back of a horse. 

While most of me wants to chuckle at the fact that my emerged passion for horseback riding is factoring into my call, as if it's surprising; mostly I shouldn't be shocked. Many facets of my ministry call thus far has been found in odd places or environments. Starting with the fact that I answered my call to ministry in the Capitol. An opposing breeding ground for theologians, many would argue.

At my heart I am not bewildered by this fact. But, I've only truly come to recognize and appreciate it in recent months.

Horseback riding is giving me the best leadership tools for having a successful ministry journey.

What!? How!? That makes no sense, Rebecca! 

YEAH....that's what I told myself at first. 

But truly, it makes sense when I process it.

From horsemanship....I've learned how to be comfortable with my own voice. When you're on the back of a 1200 pound animal and you're attempting to get them to listen to you, there isn't room for a timid voice. You've got to assert your authority. Otherwise, you could be seriously injured. Thus, I've learned to project this gain into other leadership roles in my life.

From horsemanship....I've learned there is no room for extra emotions. As someone with anxiety, it's always been a challenge for me to not become overemotional in situations. Although it's become better as I've entered adulthood, it's truly been riding that's propelled me into the controlled emotion zone. Why? Due to the fact that a horse is super sensitive to the mood of the rider. Therefore, you've got to have your emotions in check when you mount that horse. Otherwise, again, you could get seriously injured or just not have the ride you'd intended to have. The horse will feed off of your energy. The same in true for the servant leadership life of ministry. It's important that as I partner with others in ministry, I've got to be emotionally in control. The more I practice that in the ring, the more engrained it becomes in my behavioral pattern. Therefore, projecting into all other areas of my life, again. I am able to better discern when it's wise to be angry or upset, etc. and when it's better to leave it be or let it go.

From horsemanship....I've gained confidence in myself I never knew was possible. As one who has always struggled with insecurity, it's remarkable how much my confidence levels have improved since I began this sport. As you value your own voice and understand the importance of being in control of your reactions, actions, and every little decision - you gain greater appreciation for yourself. Thus, again, projecting into my life outside of the ring.

Horseback riding started as a simple therapeutic exercise to relieve stress from graduate school. What's emerged in the past two years is a sport I'm passionate about. A lifestyle I live. A rhythm my heart beats to. It's where God is helping mold me in some of the most life-giving ways. In order to prepare me to help give life to others out there in the world.

Horseback riding is my escape from the stresses in life, but it's also my teacher. A teacher I wasn't anticipating. But that's the point, right? Isn't that where God and Jesus show up in our lives? Environments or moments or on animals that we had no expectancy for?

The followers of Jesus weren't anticipating their Savior to enter the world in a barn or proceed in on the back of a donkey. They all were surprised! Moses didn't prepare to become a leader of the Israelites, but God showed up in a burning bush to tell him otherwise. God is notorious for showing up in places we never expected. God catches us by surprise, often. Yet, that might be when we best hear what it is God has  to say or see what God has to show us. Otherwise, we'd tune God out in the buzz of our every day, busy lives. I'm famous for doing it every day.

My life will be given in servant leadership. A gift I wouldn't have any other way. It's not a life all would chose. But, it's a call I cannot ignore. As I prepare to enter that final year of seminary, I know horseback riding plays a large role in making me a capable, and the best minister I can one day be.

A gift I thank God for every day.

What's your passion that's giving you life today?

three years later...here I am Lord

The post caught me when I bustling down the office stairs this morning on the way to the copier. My mind is set on the agenda for the day, the children's sermon I need to write, the seminary class readings I need to do. Yet, God caught my attention as I am browsing through my TimeHop app on my phone. This picture below that was my post three years ago.

Immediately I am transported back to the news studio. I remember this day, this moment, clear as day. As if it was yesterday. One moment I was on the fast track towards a career in broadcast journalism, the next moment I was saying "yes" to God's call on my life to go into ministry.


Storytime...I was in the midst of a great internship at FOX 5 DC in Washington, D.C. Anyone who knows me well most likely has heard my many tales of my D.C. adventures. How it was the time of my college life. I was SO happy. Which included my journalism classes at American University, and my internship at FOX 5 DC. There was no ounce of me that was unhappy; however, there was a part of my soul that was unsettled. At my core as I was experiencing my time at Mount Vernon Place United Methodist Church, discovering who I was, and more, I was feeling an unsettling nudge in my soul that God wanted more. In the middle of the newsroom on that October Friday, 2014, I finished the thought to say "yes" to a life of ministry.

Now, this post is not to rehash my ministry call story. I've shared that before a number of times. No, this is to point to where God has to lead me. The other day I sat down map out the rest of my classes for seminary. Ironically, the end of this semester will mark my halfway point with seminary. If the last half goes by as quickly as the first half, I'll be done with seminary before I know it; graduating and heading towards ordained ministry. A fact which blows my mind.

You know, time is such a funny thing. It's almost this allusion that at differing points appears to slow down or speed up significantly. While it feels like yesterday when I first had the "ah-ha!" moment to answer my call to ministry, it also feels like forever ago. These past three years have brought about such changes.

Changes that will only continue. Yet, I chose today to pause and thank God for this odd and wondrous call. I am so thankful for where my saying "yes" has led me. I adore the people I am in ministry with. I appreciate the lessons seminary is giving me, both about myself and theologically. God is showing up in such incredible ways. A few days ago I paused because I realized how in God's plan I feel I am right now. God has been leading towards such a time as this. I am completely in my element, my stride, and at peace. I am where God has meant for me to be. Possibly more so than ever before in my life. Or at least I am more aware of it than ever before.

Today, therefore, I am thankful. I am thankful for this call, with all its joys and messiness. I am thankful for the people who are walking this journey with me. I am thankful for those who use to walk with me, whose season has since ended. Endings are sad, but they bring about, I have found enlightenment. It hurts to say goodbye or see someone's role in your life change, but you wouldn't change a thing because it's led you to where you are now; which is a huge lesson I have learned. I am thankful for seminary, my friends there, and all the ways it challenges me. I am thankful for the church I call home. I am thankful today. I am so very thankful.

This Church Mouse signs off for now.

Listening for God.

Whenever I first received my call to ministry, I was accepting. In those honeymoon stage days of realizing it was a life of full time ministry that God was calling me to, I was elated. Strolling through the streets of Washington, DC and sitting in the congregation at Mount Vernon Place UMC, I was on my own type of high. I was rearing to go.

Insert returning to South Carolina and my undergrad. As I dealt with the real-world questions of what this ministry call would unfold to, I panicked. Suddenly, I was so nervous. Yesterday during mountain top worship, I explained in a sermon to my campers about what I deem the turtle effect. You know the metaphor of "fight or flight"? Well, I am typically flight and go within my turtle shell (imagine me in a ball on the ground demonstrating this to 150 plus campers, counselors, and staff). Initial reaction to real world issue of what will ministry life view will be like was RETREAT. 

God drug me along kicking and screaming though. Ministry call is like flipping on a switch. Once it's on, you cannot turn the nagging sound off. If you ever desire to feel peace again, you must obey where God is leading you. Therefore, I carried on reluctantly senior year of college. Forever dreading the end of college and having to face this call. 

God provided a key person for me during this period of transition. One who knows who they are that I don't have to name. A person who let me completely word vomit all my fears, but calmly listened and offered advice or simply the phrase, "Go pray about it."

I bring all of this up for the purpose of recanting the God moment from this morning. Answering the question of what does it mean to listen to God? That was what I asked the sleepy-eyed campers this morning. God asked me to ask myself that question. Our verse for this morning's worship was Samuel 9:10. Where Samuel is constantly hearing his name being called, and believes it to be Eli. Yet, Eli knows it is God calling Samuel and tells him to "Go lie down and listen." 

I have a very profound connection to this scripture. A story that helped me decide to go into seminary full time when I graduated, and turn down a job offer at a place I loved. Decisions which to this day are some of the most challenging I have yet to face.

Back story - The week I had to decide between the two I was discussing this issue with said above person. She told me to go pray about it. So, I went into the sanctuary of Broad Street and opened to 1 Samuel, Chapter 9. I sent a text to the person and said, "I am going to go pace the sanctuary and pray and read this chapter of Samuel over and over. Placing my phone down, I didn't surmise again about the text. I paced, prayed, and still didn't feel right. Finally, I came to the portion of the scripture which reads about Eli telling Samuel to "Go lie down and listen." Well, I went to the front of the altar and laid down and listened. Legit laid down in front of the altar and just listened. No, I didn't hear a voice.  But, I heard  the answer in my head. "Go to Candler." I laid there for a while and that just kept repeating in my mind. I was supposed to go to Candler.

Finally when I went to go back to my phone and looked, that mentioned person had returned my text. She said, "if I am your Eli then I say to, Go lie down and listen." Looking at the time the text had been sent, it was the EXACT moment I had laid my eyes on that portion of the verse and decided to lay down at the altar myself. (GOOSEBUMPS).

I shared a portion of this story with the kids this morning. What I didn't share with them was that I still struggle with listening to God like that. Yes, I obeyed and went to seminary. I went like Jonah though with hesitation, frustration, and walls up. Only when I found my niche of seminary studies and working in a congregation I adore that affirms my gifts and strengths of ministry have I been more open. Not necessarily the best way to go about it. But, I know that right now I am trying more to listen to God. Listening is so taxing. But, we have a choice to listen or not. From my experiences in the past year, I can tell you listening is a better option. I learned that the hard way. Yes, I found a better footing now. But, not without hurt along the way that includes some lost relationships, releasing control of my direction, and other lifestyles that other friends of mine are living in their twenties which I cannot do because of my call.

God provides though. Always, God provides. So I ask you like I asked the campers this morning - Are you listening to God? 

God Sightings

Pastor Rebecca....

Yup. That's what I am going by this week. For the first time in my call, I am being referred to as Pastor Rebecca. No shame when I say that that causes me to nerd out a little bit. Whenever the sweet staffer, Reba, handed me my name tag with the title, "Camp Pastor" underneath my name, I was a bit giddy. 

Never would I have thought I would be a camp girl. But, I must admit that a few hours here and I am smittened. Ironically a deeper self isn't surprised I love it here already so much. In my twenties I am constantly finding out facts about myself that were suppressed for years. Such as my love of outdoors (insert hiking), a modern taste in my home decor, a greater understanding that I am more introverted than I had ever thought. My supposed extroverted nature being more a fear of being alone or craving a need for people's approval/attention. Rather, I find a deep need to be alone to refuel. Still I do love being with others, don't bat an eyelash at meeting new people, and take a certain energy from crowds. However, I appreciate more deeply the gift of time alone with myself. I no longer fear it, but look forward to it. For example, I enjoy going to see movies alone now. It's a way to recharge, and spend alone time. Which a year ago me would have be completely wigged out about...

My point being, I am a bit but not really surprised I am loving camp. Just as my heart has fully been stolen by the mountains in the past few years. The older I am getting, the more I feel myself living in the woman God created me to be. It's kind of funny that the theme this summer for Asbury Hills is Noise - as recently I've been pondering the own noise in my life. That noise which exists in the outside world and that which exist within myself. 

Noise: self doubt, fear, what-if scenarios, jealousy, anxiety...and so much more. 

All of which is the opposite of what I need to live an abundant life. Abundance which I feel stronger than I have in a long time. As I was telling a friend the other day - I am actually content with my life at the moment. Which I have previously mentioned in other blogs. This time though, I am referring to the contentment with myself. Which is BIG for me. 

A girl who seriously struggles with self-doubt. I have so much insecurity. Which I mask and fight hard against. Yet, I have found a weird switch occurring. I don't have as much insecurity as I use to. I don't have as much self-doubt as I use to. When exactly this moment occurred, I cannot pinpoint. But it happened somewhere along the way in these last few months. In which emerged a self confidence I have never had before. Suddenly, I am able to enjoy my life that much more. Not that any circumstances have changed, but I have - for the better. 

Therefore, I am working on being more present in today. Searching, also, for God sightings. Leading me to today. Now, I haven't been here to Asbury Hills Camp since I was like 8. I did not know the way. I shared this story with the kids tonight. When I drove up the sign this afternoon, I parked my car to take a picture of the sign. I'm a sucker for a good picture (which any of my close friends and family will verify). 

Back story before I reveal the God moment of today - my first day as camp pastor for the week. I adore butterflies. Always have. When I was a kid, I studied them intently. My wallpaper in my room had it. I wore butterfly clips in my hair. Adored them. As I got older, I learned that a butterfly is a metaphor for the resurrection, since it means new life. I began to use this metaphor to say that when I saw a butterfly it was the Holy Spirit's presence. 

SO...when I parked to take that picture of the sign... a butterfly flew across the sign. A yellow butterfly - which is the representation of new life. 

*Insert goosebumps*. 

My new chapter didn't begin when I began seminary. It began sometime earlier this year whenever I began to walk more confidently in the identity that God has given me. Which is getting stronger with each day. 

More God sightings to come.... 

finding the niche of my call in seminary

During my riding lesson today, I rode on a Western saddle for the first time. The Western saddle is sturdier while the rider is also able to be hold the reins with one hand (rather than two in English style). A few moments in, and I took a deep sigh of relief. My shoulders relaxed as I directed Reggie into a trot. Smiling big.

I began horseback riding about three months ago. The second phase of my search to find hobbies or my niche of hobbies in the new chapter of my life. Rock-climbing came first. Truly, I find rock-climbing becoming a passion and a sort of sport. My concentration, dedication, and focus comes from a sports manner rather than that which is to relax me. Not that it doesn't, but I find a drive to constantly rise in levels of rock-climbing. My goal is to become lead certified by summer. It's a passion rather than just simply that which helps me relax.

Yet, horseback riding has become that blissful sect of my search for hobbies outside of my theological studies or work within the church. When I'm around the horses, I am instantly calmed. Joy fills my heart when I drive up that winding dirt road towards the barn. Horses neighing fills the air. It's a sanctuary for me.

Why am I giving these details? Well, the answer is because of the breakthrough I found today in riding on the Western saddle, and Western style. My instructor Leslie called out when I began riding Western, asking how I liked it. I returned that I felt like I had found my niche.

The same I found when registering for summer classes, and picking fall classes for my second year of seminary. Yup. Only four weeks left in my first year of seminary. Which blows my mind. Yet, I am grateful to almost be done. End of semester exhaustion is quickly catching up with this seminarian, and I look forward to a summer break. (Well a break of less classes at least). However, it was when I was plotting the course of second year that I experienced another breakthrough.

Truthfully, I feel at times I appear misleading on my social media accounts with my experience in seminary this first year. Whenever I'll run into friends or people back home, they always state how it looks like I'm really enjoying seminary. Guilt twinges me sometimes when people say this. Not to say that seminary hasn't been enjoyable - but not always.

It's been a rough ride this first year. Mostly, that first semester what a challenge. On more than one occasion I considered leaving, only to stay because of the amazing support system of my new seminary friends I had here, plus a sister of Christ in my internship at Arrendale State Prison. A fleeting moment, of course, but none the less I was questioning why I was here. A bit of anger was underneath my smile as I struggled to find my niche here in seminary. I knew it was a degree I had to obtain to continue my work in ministry; to answer my call as an Elder in the UMC. Yet, I was jaded to the experience of seminary which grows me as person, Christian, and child of God. Truly, it would take until January of this year that I woke up to have greater appreciation of this journey of seminary. Not hoops to jump through or hurdles to fly over as I had envisioned first semester; but a journey of self-discovery. Self-discovery that entrenched in that portion of my self that's called to this life of ministry.

What I had to find was my niche. A reason of why I was called to seminary, that which sets me apart from participating in ministry in a non-ordained manner. Someone in my life expressed back months ago that my disgruntled attitude in seminary might be rooted in the fact that I wasn't letting God in to direct my path of answering how I am called to ordained ministry. Seminary is about defining that path. It wasn't until recently I truly understood what she meant, and began working on defining that which is my niche of ministry.

On some level, I had that breakthrough in deciding my classes for summer and fall, along with my new work at St. John's UMC where I am able to use my talents and gifts to serve the congregation. The classes I am choosing, which revolve around congregational revitalization, church leadership, etc. Here is where I'm discovering my niche. Which is still unfolding of course, but the short of the long is that I found such excitement I had yet to experience when picking my classes. More occurred which added to that breakthrough. Details too great for this blog post. Therefore, I'll close with this thought.

God's path for us is always best. If we have walls up, God cannot begin working on our heart which God uses to grow the kingdom. My walls were up very securely when I entered seminary, and I crossed my arms at God that I wasn't going to let me them down. But, I only made myself unhappy that way. Therefore, I slowly let them down, one brick at a time. As each brick has come down, I have become more and more content. Again not happy (which is temporary feelings), but content in knowing through the good and the bad days, I'm on God's path for my life. That's a breakthrough. I'm more content than I've been ever in my life. I still struggle with those days I question it all. But, I don't doubt any longer why I am here. I know why I am here, and I'm letting God direct that path. 

Perhaps the key is riding the Western saddle of my call always. That Western saddle that's God's plan verses my own. Which makes riding this call (and life in general) better.

giving myself permission to be happy....

Sitting across the dinner table from my mom on a visit home, she says to me, "Rebecca, you actually look happy."

That statement startled me. In the following days I thought more seriously about her statement. Truth is, I was happy. In full disclosure I am happy for the first time in my life. Perhaps there is a better word to describe my current state of affairs...I am content. I am well.

The hymn goes...
"When peace like a river, attendeth my way,When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul
It is well
With my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul"

I would classify that as the best description of how I am. Again, it is a way of living I was caught by surprise I was living. My blog I have said before is a documenting of my ministry journey. I try to address it like that I would a sermon or piece of writing that has meaning beyond myself, and that which glorifies how God is working in my life. Not in an over zealous manner that lacks genuniaty but a telling of my story that allows God to shine through. I am a flawed human being who keeps messing up that ministry call but God continually makes good of my messes. Therefore, I am allowing myself to be happy.

As a child I was a people pleaser (still am in many regards). I avoided conflict like the plague. In my adolescent years I began pouring all my energy into helping others or how I perceived helping others. Yet in retrospect I now understand is I was simply draining myself to keep those around me happy - which wasn't my responsibility to be had.

Whenever I entered into college I had another issue arise, my diagnosis with clinical anxiety and depression. A facet of my life I do not share intimate details with expect my close people, but I am open to the world to sharing the fact I deal with both. My hope in that transparency is to aid of ending stigmatism around mental health. All of which adds to layers of that which was draining the contentment from my life. I had better days or periods, but the pendulum of life always seemed to swing back around. Until I took better responsibility of my participation in my own story.

Seminary has become the best thing to happen to me. While I wish I could say it was all about the preparation of my future ministry as a minister, this first year is largely revolving around discovery of myself. Hence my owning my narrative. Challenges have arisen - questions have arisen - God has arisen. A metaphor many second and third year Master students use to describe the seminary experience is the three stages of Jesus's crucifixion, death, and  resurrection. First year is that crucifixion stage and man oh man...at times I feel that pain full on. Other times it isn't half bad. Qualms of life and graduate school are present but my disposition of handling life's challenges began to shift.

I'm beginning to understand that I must discover self in order to discover God. Kitty once described the Golden Rule as a three stage process. An enlightening fact that has changed my viewpoint of my faith forever. If I am supposed to be this beloved child of a Creator who loves me with a love I cannot begin to comprehend (that I have responsibility to love others in the same manner) then I must love myself as God loves me.

Yet as I began this sense of self-discovery I came to see I had never given myself permission to explore who it was I am. I relied more heavily to let myself be defined by others around me or by worrying about what others around me were doing or their opinion of myself. Therefore, I began to give myself permission to explore. What hobbies did I want to try? What foods did I like or not like? Whom were those I let into my inner circle? What followed was a beautiful love for myself.

Now I am not saying all of a sudden I became this egotistical woman. No, I just began to recognize God made me to be a special individual in this world so I can further the kingdom. Therefore if I want to plow ahead in farming that kingdom, I better be bodily prepared.

Which is why I am content. I mean I am really happy with life right now for the first time. I catch myself at times smiling because of how good life is. When I began letting down those walls of supposed protection around my heart, goodness came flooding in. I find pleasure in my hobbies that give me life. A sense of worship for myself because I am one with God's creatures whenever I ride or focus on keeping myself healthy (so I can serve others) when I climb or run for my health. My people in my life are dearer than ever before. Friends have become family. I've also made room to enjoy being alone. Sitting in my den reading or watching Netflix is a time of sanctuary now that previously I avoided at all cost.

So yes, I am content. I am in a job I love. I have friends I love. I have family that I love. I am a part of a church family I love. I am in a school I love. I have hobbies I love. I'm dating an awesome person. Which is the first time I've dated for years. Life is so good. Not perfect -but good. Which God is good so I shouldn't be that surprised when I let God in that goodness also followed.

everything I need to know about ministry I learned at MVP

One question I've had to answer many times since I started seminary comes in a form somewhere along the lines of "So, how did you decide to study to be a minister?" I always start the narrative by saying, "Well there is this place called Mount Vernon Place United Methodist Church". You know how many characters in the Bible have their location or item that is significant with their call story? Moses and the burning bush. Jesus and Bethlehem. David and Jerusalem. It seems that every person in the Bible who was called by God in one or another fashion have a starting point; either a place or a significant moment. In regards to my call, it is a place. It is a white marble church that sits in the heart of downtown Washington, D.C. A location where for myself time appeared to stand still because my four and half months within its doors feel like a lifetime. Time in that place was irrelevant. Whenever I am struggling with my call, I close my eyes and picture MVP. I picture the people within its doors who I got know. I picture the sanctuary, and can still hear the music from the Sundays I worshiped there. I can picture the glass classroom in the middle of the third floor where I attended the numerous small group/bible studies. I take a deep breathe and fill the Holy Spirit come within my soul as I remember. It is like recharging for me.

Everything I need to know about ministry, I learned at MVP.

It has been two years since I've been there. Yet, I still feel it's presence within my heart, within  my soul. That connection has become deeper as I completed my first semester of seminary. I found my mind retreating frequently to my days during that Fall of 2014 that were spent at that place on Massachusetts Ave. Maybe that's why I've been missing my Mecca a little extra these past few months; because I've had to return to my memory vault time and again to the lessons I learned there. I'll think of specific lessons or moments during a class lecture. Or when I'm studying. Or when I'm walking around campus. Or when I'm in a pastoral moment with a woman at Arrendale State Prison, or when I pass a homeless person on the streets of Atlanta. MVP helped me be my best self - spiritually, physically (from all the weight lost walking to its doors from the metro stop), and mentally.

I'm not sure what this post is exactly about. A wave of nostalgia I suppose that I want to put to the computer. Next week I return to my second semester of seminary. It has me longing even more for MVP. For that spiritual fulfillment it gave me. For how God was present there.

All people need to find their MVP. The place where they meet God most. I am beyond grateful for mine.

MVP I'm coming for you in 2017.