I didn't have a "big" moment this weekend and that's okay.

My expectations for the weekend were these “big” moments of confirming, affirming, and maybe even a bit more clarity of my call. The truth is I walked away with none of that this weekend. There was no “big” powerful moment where I felt God lay upon my heart.

And I’ve come to the conclusion that that is okay because that’s not how my call is anyways.

Honestly, I shouldn’t have come into the weekend with those type of expectations because there has never been any lightning bolt moment the entire course of my call. All along my way I’ve experienced these small moments of peace whenever I’ve accepted truths of this call or had revealed another step/piece of this puzzle.

This weekend was no different and honestly I’m coming to understand that perhaps this is the greatest lesson I can take away from a weekend of discernment with so many other current or future leaders of The United Methodist Church. My moments of joy or peace or even slight frustration came to one conclusion: this church mouse likes the quiet moments better than any loud ones. And I experienced all these types of moments of quiet peace or "aha" times.

My prayers were for God to give me specific answers this weekend about my future and the intricate details of my call. The answer I received was a quiet understanding that I did not need bold moments because I already have more answers than I realized. Also, I know that it is not my job to know all the details yet. They will be known to me when the time is right, at different moments. Therefore, what I received was affirmation. Affirmation that I do feel called to seek to join the Order of Deacons within the UMC as an ordained clergywoman. While I also know that since I feel called into specialized ministry, it is women’s ministry that will be a long term focus on my future career and ministry. This concept of women’s studies through the lens of the female experience of life has long become a passion of mine. It has a been a blessing that I’ve had the chance to study it in depth in my undergraduate, and in a variety of ways as a Women and Gender’s studies minor. It wasn’t until I began taking my “Womanist, Feminist Theology and Pedagogy” class this Fall semester of senior year that God’s placed it on my heart to further my study of women, the church, and ministry into seminary as I most likely seek a Master's of Divinity somewhere yet to be determined. Continuing in this ordination process is also a confirmation from this weekend. Which is why I’m grateful or a support system that is helping my push through this process now.

There were dynamic speakers this weekend. Rev. Bridgette Young-Ross opened with the words of are we following our call according to how others are defining it for us, or for how God is defining it for us. It was these words that stopped my spirit because truthfully I’ve had a hard time swallowing that concept in the past year since fully recognizing this call.  Full individual ownership and defining details myself of this call. All those intimate details I won’t share with all here, but I will say that I realized this weekend that there is a lot of self-claiming I need to make better on with this call. I’ve also got to be ready to take steps forward in a bold faith, even if they scare me as I step into an unknown future I had no idea would be occurring when I got ready to graduate Presbyterian College.

Honestly, I expected to blog all the details of this weekend every night but too much has internally occurred spiritually. Therefore, I leave you with the simple statement that God moved in big ways this weekend while I had both past realizations affirmed and new dreams unfolded. May God be with me as I make decisions in the following months.

Thank you God for choosing me for this odd and wondrous calling.  

my church family and their role in this call

“How very Trinitarian.”

Those are the words from my pastor who is sitting across from me at the Staff Parish Relations Committee (SPRC) as we are all chatting before the meeting actually begins. Her words stick with me because they are true. She’s commenting on the fact that on the night that I meet before my church’s SPRC for the first time to share my call story and continue in this ordination process, it also is the third anniversary of the day I became a member of the church.

This church community.

As I’m writing this, I’m on my way down to Florida for the national EXPLORATION conference put on by the Board of Higher Education in Orlando. This will be a weekend long retreat of discernment with other future clergy or church leaders of the UMC. I’m also working through the Guidelines for Candidacy workbook because next weekend I have my retreat for candidacy with my district conference. The first weeks of November I’m realizing are full of nothing but ministry, discernment, and reflection on my own personal call.

One of the questions in this workbook I must reflect on is who my support system is in this ministry call. I cannot help but continue to keep return to the answer of Broad Street United Methodist Church and its people, pastor, and my peers in our Campus Ministry group “Rethink Fellowship” as such an important part of my overall support system. Not only do I have the blessing to be a part of this congregation as a college student, but they are also my church family that is walking me through the ordination process. I’ve always said I feel like I play a dual role with BSUMC because not only am I one of their “college student babies” but I am also a member of their congregation.

Truly I did not know the significance of what it would mean for my personal future to switch my membership from the home church I had grown up in to the church I had only been a part of for a month or so my freshmen year of college. Kitty said once in conversation with the two of us and other members that “Rebecca has been a member of Broad Street since day one”. Which I not only regard as a high compliment from their side but know is very accurate from my side, as well. I can still recall clearly my first Sunday at Broad Street.

And I’ve never looked back.

For going on four years now I have been actively a part of this congregation and they have been a special place of my life/heart/and unbeknownst to me a special formation for this ministry call. If I am completely honest, my ministry call began to speak louder in my heart long before I departed for D.C. (although I’ll always credit that time and the people of Mount Vernon Place UMC as the pivotal push to allow me to accept it).

Broad Street, its ministries, and people have long been the most important part of my Presbyterian College experience. They have blessed my weeks with worship and fellowship, but also allowed me to help build our Campus Ministry program. Thus building a bridge between what has been happening at the church in our small group Bible study to a recognized religious group on PC’s campus. I’m proud of what we’ve accomplished between my freshmen year to senior year and it makes it all that harder to think about graduation. However, it’s a support system I know won’t end just because I may be more miles away.

These people have sustained me during my college years. A wonderful sanctuary of people who allow me to step away from the stresses of a day to day life at a rigorous institution like PC, and remember the feel goods of home like a warm hug or delicious home-cooked meal.

So to my church family support system, “thank you!” You all helped inspire this call through the opportunities you’ve provided me. You helped me solidify this call with your unwavering push and support since I returned to tell you guys the news. Now you are the ones I’m answering to as I pursue ordination, and I could not consider myself any more blessed.

To the leading lady at Broad Street that holds the title pastor, ministry, or if you’re me “Preacher Lady”: thank you for being the shepherd of a flock that generates a welcoming environment for PC kids like myself and others to “come home to” each Fall semester. You have inspired me by your example since the first time I was so surprised to turn around and see a woman proceeding down the aisle of the church. While we pick at each other mercilessly sometimes I hope you know that it is our serious one-on-one conversations that I cherish the most. You push me forward in this ordination process, even when I’ve been nervous or hesitant and I’m grateful to have someone that knows me well enough to know I sometimes need that extra push. With my serious concerns or questions I turn to you because I know you’ll be honest with me. I need that as well. I also just need someone that’s presence reminds me I am loved and supported in this process. A fact you graciously remind me of constantly. I wouldn’t want anyone else playing the role of “Preacher Lady” (aka mentor, pastor, inspiration) in my life.

 My people are also my support system, my church family, and the people that make impending graduation in May so bittersweet. While I know it will be time, I dread when the time comes for me to department. You all have my heart now and probably for always.

Your Church Mouse. (name credits to Kitty Holtzclaw, obvs.)