My expectations for the weekend were these “big” moments of confirming,
affirming, and maybe even a bit more clarity of my call. The truth is I walked away with
none of that this weekend. There was no “big” powerful moment where I felt God
lay upon my heart.
And I’ve come to the conclusion that that is okay because
that’s not how my call is anyways.
Honestly, I shouldn’t have come into the weekend with those
type of expectations because there has never been any lightning bolt moment the
entire course of my call. All along my way I’ve experienced these small moments
of peace whenever I’ve accepted truths of this call or had revealed another
step/piece of this puzzle.
This weekend was no different and honestly I’m coming to
understand that perhaps this is the greatest lesson I can take away from a
weekend of discernment with so many other current or future leaders of The
United Methodist Church. My moments of joy or peace or even slight frustration
came to one conclusion: this church mouse likes the quiet moments better than
any loud ones. And I experienced all these types of moments of quiet peace or "aha" times.
My prayers were for God to give me specific answers this weekend
about my future and the intricate details of my call. The answer I received was
a quiet understanding that I did not need bold moments because I already have
more answers than I realized. Also, I know that it is not my job to know all the details yet. They will be known to me when the time is right, at different moments. Therefore, what I received was affirmation. Affirmation
that I do feel called to seek to join the Order of Deacons within the UMC as an
ordained clergywoman. While I also know that since I feel called into
specialized ministry, it is women’s ministry that will be a long term focus on
my future career and ministry. This concept of women’s studies through the lens
of the female experience of life has long become a passion of mine. It has a
been a blessing that I’ve had the chance to study it in depth in my undergraduate,
and in a variety of ways as a Women and Gender’s studies minor. It wasn’t until
I began taking my “Womanist, Feminist Theology and Pedagogy” class this Fall
semester of senior year that God’s placed it on my heart to further my study of
women, the church, and ministry into seminary as I most likely seek a Master's of Divinity somewhere yet to be determined. Continuing in this ordination
process is also a confirmation from this weekend. Which is why I’m grateful or
a support system that is helping my push through this process now.
There were dynamic speakers this weekend. Rev. Bridgette
Young-Ross opened with the words of are we following our call according to how
others are defining it for us, or for how God is defining it for us. It was
these words that stopped my spirit because truthfully I’ve had a hard time swallowing
that concept in the past year since fully recognizing this call. Full individual ownership and defining details myself of this call. All those intimate details I won’t share with
all here, but I will say that I realized this weekend that there is a lot of
self-claiming I need to make better on with this call. I’ve also got to be
ready to take steps forward in a bold faith, even if they scare me as I step
into an unknown future I had no idea would be occurring when I got ready to
graduate Presbyterian College.
Honestly, I expected to blog all the details of this weekend
every night but too much has internally occurred spiritually. Therefore, I
leave you with the simple statement that God moved in big ways this weekend
while I had both past realizations affirmed and new dreams unfolded. May God be
with me as I make decisions in the following months.
Thank you God for choosing me for this odd and wondrous calling.
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