Listening for God.

Whenever I first received my call to ministry, I was accepting. In those honeymoon stage days of realizing it was a life of full time ministry that God was calling me to, I was elated. Strolling through the streets of Washington, DC and sitting in the congregation at Mount Vernon Place UMC, I was on my own type of high. I was rearing to go.

Insert returning to South Carolina and my undergrad. As I dealt with the real-world questions of what this ministry call would unfold to, I panicked. Suddenly, I was so nervous. Yesterday during mountain top worship, I explained in a sermon to my campers about what I deem the turtle effect. You know the metaphor of "fight or flight"? Well, I am typically flight and go within my turtle shell (imagine me in a ball on the ground demonstrating this to 150 plus campers, counselors, and staff). Initial reaction to real world issue of what will ministry life view will be like was RETREAT. 

God drug me along kicking and screaming though. Ministry call is like flipping on a switch. Once it's on, you cannot turn the nagging sound off. If you ever desire to feel peace again, you must obey where God is leading you. Therefore, I carried on reluctantly senior year of college. Forever dreading the end of college and having to face this call. 

God provided a key person for me during this period of transition. One who knows who they are that I don't have to name. A person who let me completely word vomit all my fears, but calmly listened and offered advice or simply the phrase, "Go pray about it."

I bring all of this up for the purpose of recanting the God moment from this morning. Answering the question of what does it mean to listen to God? That was what I asked the sleepy-eyed campers this morning. God asked me to ask myself that question. Our verse for this morning's worship was Samuel 9:10. Where Samuel is constantly hearing his name being called, and believes it to be Eli. Yet, Eli knows it is God calling Samuel and tells him to "Go lie down and listen." 

I have a very profound connection to this scripture. A story that helped me decide to go into seminary full time when I graduated, and turn down a job offer at a place I loved. Decisions which to this day are some of the most challenging I have yet to face.

Back story - The week I had to decide between the two I was discussing this issue with said above person. She told me to go pray about it. So, I went into the sanctuary of Broad Street and opened to 1 Samuel, Chapter 9. I sent a text to the person and said, "I am going to go pace the sanctuary and pray and read this chapter of Samuel over and over. Placing my phone down, I didn't surmise again about the text. I paced, prayed, and still didn't feel right. Finally, I came to the portion of the scripture which reads about Eli telling Samuel to "Go lie down and listen." Well, I went to the front of the altar and laid down and listened. Legit laid down in front of the altar and just listened. No, I didn't hear a voice.  But, I heard  the answer in my head. "Go to Candler." I laid there for a while and that just kept repeating in my mind. I was supposed to go to Candler.

Finally when I went to go back to my phone and looked, that mentioned person had returned my text. She said, "if I am your Eli then I say to, Go lie down and listen." Looking at the time the text had been sent, it was the EXACT moment I had laid my eyes on that portion of the verse and decided to lay down at the altar myself. (GOOSEBUMPS).

I shared a portion of this story with the kids this morning. What I didn't share with them was that I still struggle with listening to God like that. Yes, I obeyed and went to seminary. I went like Jonah though with hesitation, frustration, and walls up. Only when I found my niche of seminary studies and working in a congregation I adore that affirms my gifts and strengths of ministry have I been more open. Not necessarily the best way to go about it. But, I know that right now I am trying more to listen to God. Listening is so taxing. But, we have a choice to listen or not. From my experiences in the past year, I can tell you listening is a better option. I learned that the hard way. Yes, I found a better footing now. But, not without hurt along the way that includes some lost relationships, releasing control of my direction, and other lifestyles that other friends of mine are living in their twenties which I cannot do because of my call.

God provides though. Always, God provides. So I ask you like I asked the campers this morning - Are you listening to God? 

God Sightings

Pastor Rebecca....

Yup. That's what I am going by this week. For the first time in my call, I am being referred to as Pastor Rebecca. No shame when I say that that causes me to nerd out a little bit. Whenever the sweet staffer, Reba, handed me my name tag with the title, "Camp Pastor" underneath my name, I was a bit giddy. 

Never would I have thought I would be a camp girl. But, I must admit that a few hours here and I am smittened. Ironically a deeper self isn't surprised I love it here already so much. In my twenties I am constantly finding out facts about myself that were suppressed for years. Such as my love of outdoors (insert hiking), a modern taste in my home decor, a greater understanding that I am more introverted than I had ever thought. My supposed extroverted nature being more a fear of being alone or craving a need for people's approval/attention. Rather, I find a deep need to be alone to refuel. Still I do love being with others, don't bat an eyelash at meeting new people, and take a certain energy from crowds. However, I appreciate more deeply the gift of time alone with myself. I no longer fear it, but look forward to it. For example, I enjoy going to see movies alone now. It's a way to recharge, and spend alone time. Which a year ago me would have be completely wigged out about...

My point being, I am a bit but not really surprised I am loving camp. Just as my heart has fully been stolen by the mountains in the past few years. The older I am getting, the more I feel myself living in the woman God created me to be. It's kind of funny that the theme this summer for Asbury Hills is Noise - as recently I've been pondering the own noise in my life. That noise which exists in the outside world and that which exist within myself. 

Noise: self doubt, fear, what-if scenarios, jealousy, anxiety...and so much more. 

All of which is the opposite of what I need to live an abundant life. Abundance which I feel stronger than I have in a long time. As I was telling a friend the other day - I am actually content with my life at the moment. Which I have previously mentioned in other blogs. This time though, I am referring to the contentment with myself. Which is BIG for me. 

A girl who seriously struggles with self-doubt. I have so much insecurity. Which I mask and fight hard against. Yet, I have found a weird switch occurring. I don't have as much insecurity as I use to. I don't have as much self-doubt as I use to. When exactly this moment occurred, I cannot pinpoint. But it happened somewhere along the way in these last few months. In which emerged a self confidence I have never had before. Suddenly, I am able to enjoy my life that much more. Not that any circumstances have changed, but I have - for the better. 

Therefore, I am working on being more present in today. Searching, also, for God sightings. Leading me to today. Now, I haven't been here to Asbury Hills Camp since I was like 8. I did not know the way. I shared this story with the kids tonight. When I drove up the sign this afternoon, I parked my car to take a picture of the sign. I'm a sucker for a good picture (which any of my close friends and family will verify). 

Back story before I reveal the God moment of today - my first day as camp pastor for the week. I adore butterflies. Always have. When I was a kid, I studied them intently. My wallpaper in my room had it. I wore butterfly clips in my hair. Adored them. As I got older, I learned that a butterfly is a metaphor for the resurrection, since it means new life. I began to use this metaphor to say that when I saw a butterfly it was the Holy Spirit's presence. 

SO...when I parked to take that picture of the sign... a butterfly flew across the sign. A yellow butterfly - which is the representation of new life. 

*Insert goosebumps*. 

My new chapter didn't begin when I began seminary. It began sometime earlier this year whenever I began to walk more confidently in the identity that God has given me. Which is getting stronger with each day. 

More God sightings to come....