Yup. That's what I am going by this week. For the first time in my call, I am being referred to as Pastor Rebecca. No shame when I say that that causes me to nerd out a little bit. Whenever the sweet staffer, Reba, handed me my name tag with the title, "Camp Pastor" underneath my name, I was a bit giddy.
Never would I have thought I would be a camp girl. But, I must admit that a few hours here and I am smittened. Ironically a deeper self isn't surprised I love it here already so much. In my twenties I am constantly finding out facts about myself that were suppressed for years. Such as my love of outdoors (insert hiking), a modern taste in my home decor, a greater understanding that I am more introverted than I had ever thought. My supposed extroverted nature being more a fear of being alone or craving a need for people's approval/attention. Rather, I find a deep need to be alone to refuel. Still I do love being with others, don't bat an eyelash at meeting new people, and take a certain energy from crowds. However, I appreciate more deeply the gift of time alone with myself. I no longer fear it, but look forward to it. For example, I enjoy going to see movies alone now. It's a way to recharge, and spend alone time. Which a year ago me would have be completely wigged out about...
My point being, I am a bit but not really surprised I am loving camp. Just as my heart has fully been stolen by the mountains in the past few years. The older I am getting, the more I feel myself living in the woman God created me to be. It's kind of funny that the theme this summer for Asbury Hills is Noise - as recently I've been pondering the own noise in my life. That noise which exists in the outside world and that which exist within myself.
Noise: self doubt, fear, what-if scenarios, jealousy, anxiety...and so much more.
All of which is the opposite of what I need to live an abundant life. Abundance which I feel stronger than I have in a long time. As I was telling a friend the other day - I am actually content with my life at the moment. Which I have previously mentioned in other blogs. This time though, I am referring to the contentment with myself. Which is BIG for me.
A girl who seriously struggles with self-doubt. I have so much insecurity. Which I mask and fight hard against. Yet, I have found a weird switch occurring. I don't have as much insecurity as I use to. I don't have as much self-doubt as I use to. When exactly this moment occurred, I cannot pinpoint. But it happened somewhere along the way in these last few months. In which emerged a self confidence I have never had before. Suddenly, I am able to enjoy my life that much more. Not that any circumstances have changed, but I have - for the better.
Therefore, I am working on being more present in today. Searching, also, for God sightings. Leading me to today. Now, I haven't been here to Asbury Hills Camp since I was like 8. I did not know the way. I shared this story with the kids tonight. When I drove up the sign this afternoon, I parked my car to take a picture of the sign. I'm a sucker for a good picture (which any of my close friends and family will verify).
Back story before I reveal the God moment of today - my first day as camp pastor for the week. I adore butterflies. Always have. When I was a kid, I studied them intently. My wallpaper in my room had it. I wore butterfly clips in my hair. Adored them. As I got older, I learned that a butterfly is a metaphor for the resurrection, since it means new life. I began to use this metaphor to say that when I saw a butterfly it was the Holy Spirit's presence.
SO...when I parked to take that picture of the sign... a butterfly flew across the sign. A yellow butterfly - which is the representation of new life.
*Insert goosebumps*.
My new chapter didn't begin when I began seminary. It began sometime earlier this year whenever I began to walk more confidently in the identity that God has given me. Which is getting stronger with each day.
More God sightings to come....
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