That statement startled me. In the following days I thought more seriously about her statement. Truth is, I was happy. In full disclosure I am happy for the first time in my life. Perhaps there is a better word to describe my current state of affairs...I am content. I am well.
The hymn goes...
"When peace like a river, attendeth my way,When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul
It is well
With my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul"
I would classify that as the best description of how I am. Again, it is a way of living I was caught by surprise I was living. My blog I have said before is a documenting of my ministry journey. I try to address it like that I would a sermon or piece of writing that has meaning beyond myself, and that which glorifies how God is working in my life. Not in an over zealous manner that lacks genuniaty but a telling of my story that allows God to shine through. I am a flawed human being who keeps messing up that ministry call but God continually makes good of my messes. Therefore, I am allowing myself to be happy.
As a child I was a people pleaser (still am in many regards). I avoided conflict like the plague. In my adolescent years I began pouring all my energy into helping others or how I perceived helping others. Yet in retrospect I now understand is I was simply draining myself to keep those around me happy - which wasn't my responsibility to be had.
Whenever I entered into college I had another issue arise, my diagnosis with clinical anxiety and depression. A facet of my life I do not share intimate details with expect my close people, but I am open to the world to sharing the fact I deal with both. My hope in that transparency is to aid of ending stigmatism around mental health. All of which adds to layers of that which was draining the contentment from my life. I had better days or periods, but the pendulum of life always seemed to swing back around. Until I took better responsibility of my participation in my own story.
Seminary has become the best thing to happen to me. While I wish I could say it was all about the preparation of my future ministry as a minister, this first year is largely revolving around discovery of myself. Hence my owning my narrative. Challenges have arisen - questions have arisen - God has arisen. A metaphor many second and third year Master students use to describe the seminary experience is the three stages of Jesus's crucifixion, death, and resurrection. First year is that crucifixion stage and man oh man...at times I feel that pain full on. Other times it isn't half bad. Qualms of life and graduate school are present but my disposition of handling life's challenges began to shift.
I'm beginning to understand that I must discover self in order to discover God. Kitty once described the Golden Rule as a three stage process. An enlightening fact that has changed my viewpoint of my faith forever. If I am supposed to be this beloved child of a Creator who loves me with a love I cannot begin to comprehend (that I have responsibility to love others in the same manner) then I must love myself as God loves me.
Yet as I began this sense of self-discovery I came to see I had never given myself permission to explore who it was I am. I relied more heavily to let myself be defined by others around me or by worrying about what others around me were doing or their opinion of myself. Therefore, I began to give myself permission to explore. What hobbies did I want to try? What foods did I like or not like? Whom were those I let into my inner circle? What followed was a beautiful love for myself.
Now I am not saying all of a sudden I became this egotistical woman. No, I just began to recognize God made me to be a special individual in this world so I can further the kingdom. Therefore if I want to plow ahead in farming that kingdom, I better be bodily prepared.
Which is why I am content. I mean I am really happy with life right now for the first time. I catch myself at times smiling because of how good life is. When I began letting down those walls of supposed protection around my heart, goodness came flooding in. I find pleasure in my hobbies that give me life. A sense of worship for myself because I am one with God's creatures whenever I ride or focus on keeping myself healthy (so I can serve others) when I climb or run for my health. My people in my life are dearer than ever before. Friends have become family. I've also made room to enjoy being alone. Sitting in my den reading or watching Netflix is a time of sanctuary now that previously I avoided at all cost.
So yes, I am content. I am in a job I love. I have friends I love. I have family that I love. I am a part of a church family I love. I am in a school I love. I have hobbies I love. I'm dating an awesome person. Which is the first time I've dated for years. Life is so good. Not perfect -but good. Which God is good so I shouldn't be that surprised when I let God in that goodness also followed.
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