finding my church ten minutes into orientation

Yes, I need to write more than I have. Here I am really going to try again. My hope is that having so many incredible things happening at Candler will push me to tap into this portion of me that longs to write. Here is a start....

I kept telling myself a lie leading up to the weeks prior to my moving to Atlanta. I was apprehensive all through summer that I wouldn't find people when I first came to the city, when I first began at Candler. It was most likely due to the fact that all was so unknown of what this community would look right. Judging what your classmates will look like in undergraduate is pretty easy - young, eighteen years old leaving home for the first time. A tangible reality to prepare for. My controlling personality was longing to know exactly what was ahead so I could begin to prepare accordingly. Yet, God was keeping the secret joy of my coming community at Candler at bay, and I was going insane. Therefore, I was stubborn and scoffed "I am not worried about it, because I'm not going to seminary to make friends. I am there to get my degree. I have my people here at home."

LIE. Well, sort of. I do have an incredible community at home of friends, family, and loved ones. The lie though was the idea that my soul didn't want any new friends. Deep down I knew it was vital for my success in seminary to have a community. In the past, that has always been the church. It has also been where I found many of those awesome people in my community of people. Church in seminary would look differently though. I would be working for the church, not a congregation member. I would be preparing to serve the church as a future clergy, not as a volunteer or congregation member. Those days had sailed. My understanding even then was my church would have to be those that understood my call, and could provide the church for me outside the walls of the typical brick and mortar church building.

God is sneaky, and I have found that ten minutes into my time here at Candler. My church I have found in a sweet group of peers that with each passing day here in Atlanta, we are growing closer. I met up with Lucas in the parking garage upon my arrival to Candler. I was in a frenzy because I couldn't find the right one, I was running late, and my anxiety was through the roof. We walked in together with my heart in my throat. On the second floor of the Rita Anne Rollins Building, there was a buzz. All the new students for Candler School of Theology were standing around eating, signing in, making small talk, and second/third year students and Candler staff were present as well mingling. It was very overwhelming.

Then - boom. I found my church. Lucas recognized a young woman who was from his conference. I recognized Kristen's husband from Exploration in Orlando last Nov. as one of the students working the Candler table. We struck up easy conversation. Along the way Michelle and Anne joined our group because they all knew each other from Leadership Candler. As we chatted, we realized we had a great deal in common. The biggest thing was that same fear I had - having no friends right away. Haley later joined in the group, too whenever we moved into the activities of the day.

Yet here we were - all freshly undergraduate graduates. Four of us Elder candidates in the United Methodist Church. All lovers of hiking. All fearing the unknown.

We stuck together all of orientation, and since our friendships are only growing. In the midst of chaos of new beginnings, we are finding support when tough decisions need to be made. Or whenever a tender moment of inner conflict needs to be shared because something at orientation taps into that tender portion of our soul. My Candler Squad has become my church. Already we are finding those that allow us to be who we are. Shoulders to cry on; ears to mull over life decisions together; ears for unpacking all the craziness that will be seminary life; and people to share in the joys of life with.

God is SO good. Marmee always tells me to remember - "God provides".

Well, woah. God provided big in my people. Already I am beyond grateful for their friendship. I am grateful for those old Christian roots we are returning to where the church was a house church of people coming together to live life and worship God. These people are my church.



Somehow because of them, I know that all of this is going to be ok.

Lesson one - you're not alone - Marmee.

There are a number of individuals who have been guiding forces for me in this ministry call within the past two years. Some are ones who were influential for a moment that I needed it, or for a season of my ministry call where they were the person that said/did just the right thing that I needed. However, there have been a select few people who have been by my side, unconditionally, through all the seasons of this ministry call thus far that I know will also be there always. For this lesson one of my ministry call, I want to highlight some of these individuals one at a time. My hope is that my sharing of those dearest to me in this, will also encourage you to recognize those special people in your life that are supporting you or encourage you to go be that for someone. The people who remind you that you are not alone.

First person - Angela Halter Marshall - or "Marmee".

Back story: I've known Angela for almost ten years now. She came to my home church when I was in the sixth grade as the youth director. Even after she left my church, we have stayed in contact. We would get lunch whenever she was in town or whenever I was in Sumter. There were also exchange of texts or following the latest news of each others' lives on social media. (One positive side to social media.)

Yet it wasn't until two years ago that there was new type of life breathed into our relationship. What I like to deem was the Holy Spirit breathing life into it. I'll forever clearly remember that day in Washington, D.C. when I had my moment of realization that I had a call to ministry. It hit me suddenly as if wind had suddenly overcome me, causing the lightbulb to go "ding" and my brain to go "duh!".  As I pondered this new (not so new but finally named) thought of ministry, I knew I need to talk about it, digest it, discuss it, obsess over it...well you get the picture. In other words, I needed a person that I trusted that I knew had also experienced something similar that could help me.

That day I picked up the phone and texted Angela. 

Afterwards, it began a relationship in my life that quickly became one of my biggest advocates and confidantes for my ministry call. It always seemed as if she had "just the right" words or understanding similar experience as myself to help me through all the season of my ministry call. 

From her, I learned that this call to ministry is not an easy road. However, you never give up. She had (has) the greatest poise, strength, and patience as a minister. Whenever I returned home and would go visit her, I witnessed how she interacted with her parish. Her unconditional love and commitment to them was evident, as was her passion for this divine call to service. I stood in awe many times. 

I also learned that I was not alone. No matter how many times I came to her with the same problems repeatedly, or needed to hear the same tough love guidance, she gave it to me. Whenever I had a joyous moment to share or had a crisis I needed help with (many times minor ones of my own over-thinking brain), she was there at the drop of a hat. No matter if I was texting, calling, or running to Sumter - she was ALWAYS there for me. That came to mean the world to me. It was first through her relationship that I learned I was not alone in this journey of ministry.

As time has gone on, we have only grown closer. Now, it is also with just life stuff in general or funny quirks we share. We both over think everything - much as we deemed like the stomach of a cow where we just keep digesting it back and forth, over and over. We both love GIF keyboards, and many of our text conversations are full of those pictures being sent back and forth. We both have a passion for God's people as we serve them in ministry. 

She's an amazing example that God has blessed me with to know and learn from. 

As seen, she's not just "Angela" to me any longer. I told her that calling her Angela just didn't seem deep enough to describe my relationship with her as a mentor, friend, and support. After a lot of brainstorming it finally hit me one day and I was able to deem the perfect nickname - "Marmee". Much from inspiration of the mother from "Little Women" but also from personal factors of our own relationship. I took "Mar" from her last name of "Marshall" and "mee" since she blesses "me" so richly in our relationship. 

I have a gift this summer prior to entering seminary. My summer has now unexpectedly been graced with an internship at her church, where on a weekly basis I get to spend time with her working in ministry. I am beyond grateful for it. As I prepare to enter a new chapter of my life and ministry call, I am able to prepare with her by my side on a day to day basis. I am witnessing more often this summer how to minister well to your parish from her. I am able to spend quality time with her as well just because. It is filling my heart with such joy and I'm thankful to God for it. 

Recently, we had an impromptu trip to Candler Theological Seminary while in Atlanta. It was quite the Godly moment for both her and myself. As I stepped off the church bus and stood in front of the sign of my future seminary, I looked at the woman standing before me, smiling and getting ready to take a picture. I smiled myself because I was just grateful. Grateful to know her. Grateful to be there with the first person I told that was full circle for me. Grateful to know that I was not alone. 

Go be that someone for another person. Be the one that supports them to remind them that they are not alone.

I love you, Marmee. Thanks for being you.

   

new beginnings....ending of chapters....

It's been a few months since I have written. There have been many times I've pulled up my blog and have gotten as far as pulling up a blank screen for the post, only to delete the draft. I just have not been able to sit down to write. At first I couldn't figure out why. Now, I think I understand it was because my soul needed to digest all that was happening around me.

New beginnings are always beautiful. It is a chance to start fresh. Many times it's when you are starting exciting dreams or fulfilling a long wished for job or forming a new relationship. Yet, there is another side to new beginnings, a darker side that one must first deal with before "beginning". You see for something to begin, something else has to end.

Those are the truly challenging parts - endings.

I'm not good with endings. I'm not a fan of change. I like for things to stay the same or at least control the direction in which the change is happening. This desire for control is where God and I go back and forth the most in my ministry call. When I want to call the shots, God gently guides my circumstances in different directions. All along the way as my ministry call unfolds further, I see the beauty in God's plan that is far better beyond anything I was trying to script. Yet, I still have to work at letting go.

Now, I am actually sitting down to write. At this point I'm a little over a month past graduating from Presbyterian College. It was such a joyous occasion, but also one tainted with sadness. I have had to deal with my heart being broke wide open as I closed the chapter of my life with Broad Street United Methodist Church. Do not get me wrong, I knew it would be hard to say "see you later" to the wonderful people of the congregation who have become family.

However I did not imagine the PAIN I have felt in the closing of this chapter. My heart was truly ripped open wide as I departed from them. In April, I preached a sermon from the pulpit for our college recognition Sunday. I spent the week prior to that Sunday writing my sermon, practicing it, and walking down a road of sweet memories with the people of that place.  You see I could not walk into any room of the church or the sanctuary without being flooded with a memory. I realized how emotionally connected to the church I was.

At one point in the week I had a conversation with Kitty about how odd time felt at Broad Street. From day one I have felt like a part of this congregation, as if I had always been present within its doors. As if I had always known those people. Yet, the four years I spent with them also seemed to have past by in a blur. How was it already time to say goodbye? Kitty explained it well. She said that when one feels that way, it means that you are in fellowship with "a communion of saints" or in other words, in the presence of the Holy Spirit within those relationships you share.

I wept that same Sunday I preached. Truly, truly wept. My heart grieved. I cried for weeks afterwards. Even now over a month later, my heart hurts. The pain has eased some, but the string of saying goodbye has not ended.




Yet as I began there is a bright side to endings - new beginnings. I am in the transition period of a new beginning. In just a short time, I move to Atlanta to begin seminary. It is a dream I would never have imagined possible even a year ago. I would never had suspected that I would begin immediately following graduation. Here we are though. God has consistently had everything fall into place for this journey. Therefore I know it's God's will, and I must follow. No matter how scarily beautiful it may seem.


Therefore I chose to write again. It has been a powerful few months of my ministry journey that I want to share. I shall slowly. As if flipping through the pages of a photo album, I will reveal those cherished memories of events within my ministry call. What I've learned about myself, about God, about those in my life, about my ministry call.


I'm grateful. I'm thankful. I'm in awe that God has called me to a this divine journey of service.

an open letter to first semester freshmen me

As I approach the end of February I am only about two months away from my college graduation. This entire senior year I've been in a state of reflection as I do each "last of"...Tri-Sigma semi-formal....recruitment....Wednesday Evening Fellowship...etc...it's full of joy that is also met with bittersweet sentiments. Time cannot stop. I cannot prevent these next two months from going by or from walking across that stage, leaving behind a wonderful chapter of my life. With these moments of "lasts" I'm constantly looking back to my time at Presbyterian College; especially to my freshmen year as I watch all  the new faces on PC's campus. It's odd being  the oldest now with no one else to "look up to", now it is younger students looking up at me. However, I want to offer some advice I've learned in these past four years to my freshmen self:



1. Pay attention to your move in day. It'll feel like a whirlwind but you will want to recall every detail of that first day whenever you're packing on your last day before you're moving out for the last time.

2. Begin to organize your life. You will need binders for all your classes with notebooks, and labeling a few things won't cause any harm. It'll be a good habit to form before you're a senior. (Which is when I feel like I've finally grasped a basic foundation of the concept of organization.)

3. Don't be afraid to socialize a bit more. It's ok to venture down the hall or another dorm and say "hello" to friends. Go on GDH lunch dates with your sorority sisters or the people in your class you hit it off with. Eventually you'll find your way around to being close to those people, but if you overcome your shyness, you'll befriend them sooner.

4. GO STUDY. I know it seems so freeing to not be in class eight hours a day or parents to tell you to go to bed at a particular time. However, you don't understand the extra amount of work these classes will require and that's why you have extra "free time". You'll also be thankful your sophomore year when you're not having to pull up your GPA.

5. Go to Broad Street UMC the first Sunday. I know you're fearing that no church will match your experience at your home church. However, you don't understand the DEEP impact these people will have on you, and how much they will be a part of your college experience. You'll basically be living at the church, so don't worry. Don't wait those first few weeks. Go. You have no idea. GO.

6. It's ok to make mistakes. You don't have to fear every little "bump" in the road because you'll learn. That's what they are for. Be kinder to yourself. It'll be ok.

7. You'll survive those feelings of loneliness that'll fill your first days. It doesn't feel like it right now, but don't worry - you'll find your people and your place. Before you know it PC will feel like home and you'll cry every time you have to leave. I know you're hurting a lot right now, and crying a lot. But that won't last forever.

8. Go take that Introduction to Christian Education class. That nudge is there for a reason you don't yet understand. However, one day you will. One day you'll answer that ministry call you're feeling.

9. Start exercising more, and eating the buffet line less. The balance will make you feel better emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

10. ENJOY those moments. Before you know it you'll find yourself almost at the finishing line and missing those beginning days. It's a great time where your only worry is classes and spending time with your new found friends. One day you'll be figuring out what you want your first job to be and applying to seminaries as your plan for a future. It's a stressful time, and you'll miss the more carefree beginning days.

11. Don't try to have it all figured out. I know you like plans and setting up those goals. However, don't limit yourself so much on this straight path towards that "dream" without leaving some room to learn. It's ok to take those electives that seem different, and your Gen. Eds are  there to teach you about all the options. You'll wish later you had left a bit more room for exploration.

Before long you'll be wearing that cap and gown, and you'll wonder how was it that time passed so quickly from that first semester. You'll be missing it. But the future is very bright.


Sincerely,
Senior Rebecca

power of intentional community

My intention for traveling to Augusta this past Sunday afternoon was to meet a female senior pastor to discuss women leadership in the church. All for my senior thesis where I'm hoping to combine my call to ministry and my Women and Gender's Studies minor. Rev. Carolyn Moore who planted and has pastored for over 12 years the same church, Mosaic United Methodist Church, greeted me at the door of Mosaic with a warm embrace. Then I was introduced to a church with the most intentional mission vision I've ever encountered. I spent the next two hours getting a front row seat of how this church is truly "Rethinking Church".

God is pretty awesome sometimes. One of my passions incorporated into my call is mission. However, one of the first words out of Rev. Carolyn's mouth was describing that the missions of their church were "relational" - meeting the basic needs of people such as hunger or a longing for a community, then building upon that to meet their needs spiritually as the church guides them in rebuilding their lives.

As she led me on into their sanctuary I met two young adults that were waiting for the youth to arrive for that Sunday night's youth program. At 2:00 on the Sunday afternoon, the church was a buzz with members, leaders, and staff running small groups. Then, Rev. Carolyn brought me up to a banner that hung on the wall. A red pin sat in the middle of it with the words "You Are Here" surrounded by a variety of handwritten notes. I couldn't tell at first what each said, but as I got close Rev. Carolyn began to read them aloud, carefully pointing to each one. They were testimonies - former alcoholics, drug addicts, and more who had come to find Christ and community within the doors of this church.

Talk about being the living Church of Christ. I carefully read each one and saw the ways lives had been transformed. Rev. Carolyn continued to share peoples' stories of transformation as we entered the place where they did their food pantry. As she described their local mission work further, she said something I still find so profound.

"For many of these people we are their family. We are the ones who must help take care of them and support them."

I'm not going to lie and tell you that I almost wept right there standing in the middle of the room. If I've ever had a more profound moment of witnessing within a church all that I hope to one day see in the churches I serve as an Elder - THIS was it. A faith community that took care of its members and those beyond the walls. If I had to put what are my passions regarding my call into physical form, I was standing in the middle of it.

 

Small groups - honing in on technology to create a satellite version of your church to people with disabilities downtown - relational mission programs - being the hands and feet of Christ.

Then Rev. Carolyn and I went into her office and discussed one passion that might be dearest to my heart - women leadership within the church. We discussed the unique gifts that women bring to ordained ministry. What ways we can support each other - and SO much more. My heart was soaring, my soul was uplifted, and I still wanted to weep. I held them back though because I wasn't sure how Rev. Carolyn would react if the young woman in front of her just burst into uncontrollable tears. Tears of joy of course.

I was inspired as I left Mosaic that day. Not only regarding my paper, but regarding my own ministry call. This is what church looks like - taking care of each other by meeting both basic needs of people, building those relationships, and adding to them spiritually. It is about being intentional in your mission work. It is about being a community of faith - a family of faith.

This Church Mouse still wants to weep.

one year later...#meetmeatMVP

I've known this was an upcoming date on my TimeHope and Facebook history...the "one year ago" throwback from my last Sunday at Mount Vernon Place United Methodist Church in Washington, D.C. I greet this date with a lot of bittersweet sentiment. In my mind it is hard to believe that a whole year has passed since I walked into the door of MVP. Time is such a funny thing because while it feels just like yesterday, I also feel like it's been a lifetime since I was there.

My five months I was a part of the MVP congregation are such a treasured time in my memory bank and within my heart. Truthfully, that time became a sabbatical of sorts for me that God used to pull me into the full realization of my ministry call. There is also lessons from that time that I know I'll continuously use within my ministry career, regardless of where I am called, so I will constantly be returning within my mind to that time.

Yet I find myself reflecting on this day how not all that much has changed since that day one year ago, and yet so very much has. It has come to be that I am only continuously embracing who I truly am and am called (always have been) to be. Here I am one year later....

Working to complete the first stage of candidacy for ministry within the UMC. I've been on many retreats, have been assigned my mentorship group that's walking through this with me, spent time in prayer - journaling - and so much more in discernment, filled out paperwork, and found myself digging spiritually deeper within myself that I ever through possible.

And it's such a beautiful thing.

Yet one year ago I was also finding myself digging spiritually deeper within myself than I thought was possible, but the spirit had just finally pushed me to do just that - dig deep. I began a process at MVP of theological reflection, study, and witness that turned on a lifelong commitment to ministry that will never subside.

Currently I have found myself embracing the full identity of what aspect of ministry I am truly called to. A path that has taken me in one direction, around a loop and landed in a spot of peacefully acceptance that God is opening my heart/spirit to seek to become an Elder in the UMC.

This has been one of the biggest "a-ha" moments since my time of retreats in November. However, what has taken place is allowing myself the space to slow down and discern with listening ears rather than a talking mouth. A truth of seeking to become an Elder is an aspect of this that has always been presence, I just lacked the ear to listen. I rushed out of a time of sabbatical at MVP and jumped right back into my habit of control, and wanting to define my own story. I'm learning to slow down more and truthfully discern, and now God is working to reveal this plan rather than me trying to reveal it. It's a wonder I did not recognize the lesson of slowing down prior when God placed yet another remarkable clergywoman running a powerful church in my life during the spiritual sabbatical that was my months in DC. If I had listened well, I would have seen how God was using Donna's example, just as God had been using Kitty's example for two years prior, to see positive examples of the Elder I was also being called to one day become.

Currently I am working to figure out what's next.

A fact I won't reveal more on until the time is right other than to say that God is continuing to push me to reflect on those same lessons as I'm discerning what will take place after I graduate from Presbyterian College in May.

In this past year I've done a lot of morphing from one direction of my dreams for my future into God's dreams for my future. I am always saying that this direction of ministry is one that has always been present, it was just my stubborn self that was not fully listening. However, I also continue to say that I'm grateful for my reluctance to fully listen because that took me to DC. In DC God took me to MVP and allowed me to spend time with a congregation that would change my life. An encounter that would help me to fully recognize this ministry call in many real, and powerful ways that I will use always. As I reflect on this "one year later" mark, I am forever thankful that life took me to DC to be a part of something amazing, and meet wonderful people in my community of faith. I would never go back and change the course of events that led me to DC because my time there and most especially my time at MVP I wouldn't trade for the world.

I miss you all at MVP, dearly. Keep doing God's work as the hand and feet of Christ in D.C. You all are always in my thoughts and prayers.

I didn't have a "big" moment this weekend and that's okay.

My expectations for the weekend were these “big” moments of confirming, affirming, and maybe even a bit more clarity of my call. The truth is I walked away with none of that this weekend. There was no “big” powerful moment where I felt God lay upon my heart.

And I’ve come to the conclusion that that is okay because that’s not how my call is anyways.

Honestly, I shouldn’t have come into the weekend with those type of expectations because there has never been any lightning bolt moment the entire course of my call. All along my way I’ve experienced these small moments of peace whenever I’ve accepted truths of this call or had revealed another step/piece of this puzzle.

This weekend was no different and honestly I’m coming to understand that perhaps this is the greatest lesson I can take away from a weekend of discernment with so many other current or future leaders of The United Methodist Church. My moments of joy or peace or even slight frustration came to one conclusion: this church mouse likes the quiet moments better than any loud ones. And I experienced all these types of moments of quiet peace or "aha" times.

My prayers were for God to give me specific answers this weekend about my future and the intricate details of my call. The answer I received was a quiet understanding that I did not need bold moments because I already have more answers than I realized. Also, I know that it is not my job to know all the details yet. They will be known to me when the time is right, at different moments. Therefore, what I received was affirmation. Affirmation that I do feel called to seek to join the Order of Deacons within the UMC as an ordained clergywoman. While I also know that since I feel called into specialized ministry, it is women’s ministry that will be a long term focus on my future career and ministry. This concept of women’s studies through the lens of the female experience of life has long become a passion of mine. It has a been a blessing that I’ve had the chance to study it in depth in my undergraduate, and in a variety of ways as a Women and Gender’s studies minor. It wasn’t until I began taking my “Womanist, Feminist Theology and Pedagogy” class this Fall semester of senior year that God’s placed it on my heart to further my study of women, the church, and ministry into seminary as I most likely seek a Master's of Divinity somewhere yet to be determined. Continuing in this ordination process is also a confirmation from this weekend. Which is why I’m grateful or a support system that is helping my push through this process now.

There were dynamic speakers this weekend. Rev. Bridgette Young-Ross opened with the words of are we following our call according to how others are defining it for us, or for how God is defining it for us. It was these words that stopped my spirit because truthfully I’ve had a hard time swallowing that concept in the past year since fully recognizing this call.  Full individual ownership and defining details myself of this call. All those intimate details I won’t share with all here, but I will say that I realized this weekend that there is a lot of self-claiming I need to make better on with this call. I’ve also got to be ready to take steps forward in a bold faith, even if they scare me as I step into an unknown future I had no idea would be occurring when I got ready to graduate Presbyterian College.

Honestly, I expected to blog all the details of this weekend every night but too much has internally occurred spiritually. Therefore, I leave you with the simple statement that God moved in big ways this weekend while I had both past realizations affirmed and new dreams unfolded. May God be with me as I make decisions in the following months.

Thank you God for choosing me for this odd and wondrous calling.