God Sightings

Pastor Rebecca....

Yup. That's what I am going by this week. For the first time in my call, I am being referred to as Pastor Rebecca. No shame when I say that that causes me to nerd out a little bit. Whenever the sweet staffer, Reba, handed me my name tag with the title, "Camp Pastor" underneath my name, I was a bit giddy. 

Never would I have thought I would be a camp girl. But, I must admit that a few hours here and I am smittened. Ironically a deeper self isn't surprised I love it here already so much. In my twenties I am constantly finding out facts about myself that were suppressed for years. Such as my love of outdoors (insert hiking), a modern taste in my home decor, a greater understanding that I am more introverted than I had ever thought. My supposed extroverted nature being more a fear of being alone or craving a need for people's approval/attention. Rather, I find a deep need to be alone to refuel. Still I do love being with others, don't bat an eyelash at meeting new people, and take a certain energy from crowds. However, I appreciate more deeply the gift of time alone with myself. I no longer fear it, but look forward to it. For example, I enjoy going to see movies alone now. It's a way to recharge, and spend alone time. Which a year ago me would have be completely wigged out about...

My point being, I am a bit but not really surprised I am loving camp. Just as my heart has fully been stolen by the mountains in the past few years. The older I am getting, the more I feel myself living in the woman God created me to be. It's kind of funny that the theme this summer for Asbury Hills is Noise - as recently I've been pondering the own noise in my life. That noise which exists in the outside world and that which exist within myself. 

Noise: self doubt, fear, what-if scenarios, jealousy, anxiety...and so much more. 

All of which is the opposite of what I need to live an abundant life. Abundance which I feel stronger than I have in a long time. As I was telling a friend the other day - I am actually content with my life at the moment. Which I have previously mentioned in other blogs. This time though, I am referring to the contentment with myself. Which is BIG for me. 

A girl who seriously struggles with self-doubt. I have so much insecurity. Which I mask and fight hard against. Yet, I have found a weird switch occurring. I don't have as much insecurity as I use to. I don't have as much self-doubt as I use to. When exactly this moment occurred, I cannot pinpoint. But it happened somewhere along the way in these last few months. In which emerged a self confidence I have never had before. Suddenly, I am able to enjoy my life that much more. Not that any circumstances have changed, but I have - for the better. 

Therefore, I am working on being more present in today. Searching, also, for God sightings. Leading me to today. Now, I haven't been here to Asbury Hills Camp since I was like 8. I did not know the way. I shared this story with the kids tonight. When I drove up the sign this afternoon, I parked my car to take a picture of the sign. I'm a sucker for a good picture (which any of my close friends and family will verify). 

Back story before I reveal the God moment of today - my first day as camp pastor for the week. I adore butterflies. Always have. When I was a kid, I studied them intently. My wallpaper in my room had it. I wore butterfly clips in my hair. Adored them. As I got older, I learned that a butterfly is a metaphor for the resurrection, since it means new life. I began to use this metaphor to say that when I saw a butterfly it was the Holy Spirit's presence. 

SO...when I parked to take that picture of the sign... a butterfly flew across the sign. A yellow butterfly - which is the representation of new life. 

*Insert goosebumps*. 

My new chapter didn't begin when I began seminary. It began sometime earlier this year whenever I began to walk more confidently in the identity that God has given me. Which is getting stronger with each day. 

More God sightings to come.... 

finding the niche of my call in seminary

During my riding lesson today, I rode on a Western saddle for the first time. The Western saddle is sturdier while the rider is also able to be hold the reins with one hand (rather than two in English style). A few moments in, and I took a deep sigh of relief. My shoulders relaxed as I directed Reggie into a trot. Smiling big.

I began horseback riding about three months ago. The second phase of my search to find hobbies or my niche of hobbies in the new chapter of my life. Rock-climbing came first. Truly, I find rock-climbing becoming a passion and a sort of sport. My concentration, dedication, and focus comes from a sports manner rather than that which is to relax me. Not that it doesn't, but I find a drive to constantly rise in levels of rock-climbing. My goal is to become lead certified by summer. It's a passion rather than just simply that which helps me relax.

Yet, horseback riding has become that blissful sect of my search for hobbies outside of my theological studies or work within the church. When I'm around the horses, I am instantly calmed. Joy fills my heart when I drive up that winding dirt road towards the barn. Horses neighing fills the air. It's a sanctuary for me.

Why am I giving these details? Well, the answer is because of the breakthrough I found today in riding on the Western saddle, and Western style. My instructor Leslie called out when I began riding Western, asking how I liked it. I returned that I felt like I had found my niche.

The same I found when registering for summer classes, and picking fall classes for my second year of seminary. Yup. Only four weeks left in my first year of seminary. Which blows my mind. Yet, I am grateful to almost be done. End of semester exhaustion is quickly catching up with this seminarian, and I look forward to a summer break. (Well a break of less classes at least). However, it was when I was plotting the course of second year that I experienced another breakthrough.

Truthfully, I feel at times I appear misleading on my social media accounts with my experience in seminary this first year. Whenever I'll run into friends or people back home, they always state how it looks like I'm really enjoying seminary. Guilt twinges me sometimes when people say this. Not to say that seminary hasn't been enjoyable - but not always.

It's been a rough ride this first year. Mostly, that first semester what a challenge. On more than one occasion I considered leaving, only to stay because of the amazing support system of my new seminary friends I had here, plus a sister of Christ in my internship at Arrendale State Prison. A fleeting moment, of course, but none the less I was questioning why I was here. A bit of anger was underneath my smile as I struggled to find my niche here in seminary. I knew it was a degree I had to obtain to continue my work in ministry; to answer my call as an Elder in the UMC. Yet, I was jaded to the experience of seminary which grows me as person, Christian, and child of God. Truly, it would take until January of this year that I woke up to have greater appreciation of this journey of seminary. Not hoops to jump through or hurdles to fly over as I had envisioned first semester; but a journey of self-discovery. Self-discovery that entrenched in that portion of my self that's called to this life of ministry.

What I had to find was my niche. A reason of why I was called to seminary, that which sets me apart from participating in ministry in a non-ordained manner. Someone in my life expressed back months ago that my disgruntled attitude in seminary might be rooted in the fact that I wasn't letting God in to direct my path of answering how I am called to ordained ministry. Seminary is about defining that path. It wasn't until recently I truly understood what she meant, and began working on defining that which is my niche of ministry.

On some level, I had that breakthrough in deciding my classes for summer and fall, along with my new work at St. John's UMC where I am able to use my talents and gifts to serve the congregation. The classes I am choosing, which revolve around congregational revitalization, church leadership, etc. Here is where I'm discovering my niche. Which is still unfolding of course, but the short of the long is that I found such excitement I had yet to experience when picking my classes. More occurred which added to that breakthrough. Details too great for this blog post. Therefore, I'll close with this thought.

God's path for us is always best. If we have walls up, God cannot begin working on our heart which God uses to grow the kingdom. My walls were up very securely when I entered seminary, and I crossed my arms at God that I wasn't going to let me them down. But, I only made myself unhappy that way. Therefore, I slowly let them down, one brick at a time. As each brick has come down, I have become more and more content. Again not happy (which is temporary feelings), but content in knowing through the good and the bad days, I'm on God's path for my life. That's a breakthrough. I'm more content than I've been ever in my life. I still struggle with those days I question it all. But, I don't doubt any longer why I am here. I know why I am here, and I'm letting God direct that path. 

Perhaps the key is riding the Western saddle of my call always. That Western saddle that's God's plan verses my own. Which makes riding this call (and life in general) better.

giving myself permission to be happy....

Sitting across the dinner table from my mom on a visit home, she says to me, "Rebecca, you actually look happy."

That statement startled me. In the following days I thought more seriously about her statement. Truth is, I was happy. In full disclosure I am happy for the first time in my life. Perhaps there is a better word to describe my current state of affairs...I am content. I am well.

The hymn goes...
"When peace like a river, attendeth my way,When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul
It is well
With my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul"

I would classify that as the best description of how I am. Again, it is a way of living I was caught by surprise I was living. My blog I have said before is a documenting of my ministry journey. I try to address it like that I would a sermon or piece of writing that has meaning beyond myself, and that which glorifies how God is working in my life. Not in an over zealous manner that lacks genuniaty but a telling of my story that allows God to shine through. I am a flawed human being who keeps messing up that ministry call but God continually makes good of my messes. Therefore, I am allowing myself to be happy.

As a child I was a people pleaser (still am in many regards). I avoided conflict like the plague. In my adolescent years I began pouring all my energy into helping others or how I perceived helping others. Yet in retrospect I now understand is I was simply draining myself to keep those around me happy - which wasn't my responsibility to be had.

Whenever I entered into college I had another issue arise, my diagnosis with clinical anxiety and depression. A facet of my life I do not share intimate details with expect my close people, but I am open to the world to sharing the fact I deal with both. My hope in that transparency is to aid of ending stigmatism around mental health. All of which adds to layers of that which was draining the contentment from my life. I had better days or periods, but the pendulum of life always seemed to swing back around. Until I took better responsibility of my participation in my own story.

Seminary has become the best thing to happen to me. While I wish I could say it was all about the preparation of my future ministry as a minister, this first year is largely revolving around discovery of myself. Hence my owning my narrative. Challenges have arisen - questions have arisen - God has arisen. A metaphor many second and third year Master students use to describe the seminary experience is the three stages of Jesus's crucifixion, death, and  resurrection. First year is that crucifixion stage and man oh man...at times I feel that pain full on. Other times it isn't half bad. Qualms of life and graduate school are present but my disposition of handling life's challenges began to shift.

I'm beginning to understand that I must discover self in order to discover God. Kitty once described the Golden Rule as a three stage process. An enlightening fact that has changed my viewpoint of my faith forever. If I am supposed to be this beloved child of a Creator who loves me with a love I cannot begin to comprehend (that I have responsibility to love others in the same manner) then I must love myself as God loves me.

Yet as I began this sense of self-discovery I came to see I had never given myself permission to explore who it was I am. I relied more heavily to let myself be defined by others around me or by worrying about what others around me were doing or their opinion of myself. Therefore, I began to give myself permission to explore. What hobbies did I want to try? What foods did I like or not like? Whom were those I let into my inner circle? What followed was a beautiful love for myself.

Now I am not saying all of a sudden I became this egotistical woman. No, I just began to recognize God made me to be a special individual in this world so I can further the kingdom. Therefore if I want to plow ahead in farming that kingdom, I better be bodily prepared.

Which is why I am content. I mean I am really happy with life right now for the first time. I catch myself at times smiling because of how good life is. When I began letting down those walls of supposed protection around my heart, goodness came flooding in. I find pleasure in my hobbies that give me life. A sense of worship for myself because I am one with God's creatures whenever I ride or focus on keeping myself healthy (so I can serve others) when I climb or run for my health. My people in my life are dearer than ever before. Friends have become family. I've also made room to enjoy being alone. Sitting in my den reading or watching Netflix is a time of sanctuary now that previously I avoided at all cost.

So yes, I am content. I am in a job I love. I have friends I love. I have family that I love. I am a part of a church family I love. I am in a school I love. I have hobbies I love. I'm dating an awesome person. Which is the first time I've dated for years. Life is so good. Not perfect -but good. Which God is good so I shouldn't be that surprised when I let God in that goodness also followed.

everything I need to know about ministry I learned at MVP

One question I've had to answer many times since I started seminary comes in a form somewhere along the lines of "So, how did you decide to study to be a minister?" I always start the narrative by saying, "Well there is this place called Mount Vernon Place United Methodist Church". You know how many characters in the Bible have their location or item that is significant with their call story? Moses and the burning bush. Jesus and Bethlehem. David and Jerusalem. It seems that every person in the Bible who was called by God in one or another fashion have a starting point; either a place or a significant moment. In regards to my call, it is a place. It is a white marble church that sits in the heart of downtown Washington, D.C. A location where for myself time appeared to stand still because my four and half months within its doors feel like a lifetime. Time in that place was irrelevant. Whenever I am struggling with my call, I close my eyes and picture MVP. I picture the people within its doors who I got know. I picture the sanctuary, and can still hear the music from the Sundays I worshiped there. I can picture the glass classroom in the middle of the third floor where I attended the numerous small group/bible studies. I take a deep breathe and fill the Holy Spirit come within my soul as I remember. It is like recharging for me.

Everything I need to know about ministry, I learned at MVP.

It has been two years since I've been there. Yet, I still feel it's presence within my heart, within  my soul. That connection has become deeper as I completed my first semester of seminary. I found my mind retreating frequently to my days during that Fall of 2014 that were spent at that place on Massachusetts Ave. Maybe that's why I've been missing my Mecca a little extra these past few months; because I've had to return to my memory vault time and again to the lessons I learned there. I'll think of specific lessons or moments during a class lecture. Or when I'm studying. Or when I'm walking around campus. Or when I'm in a pastoral moment with a woman at Arrendale State Prison, or when I pass a homeless person on the streets of Atlanta. MVP helped me be my best self - spiritually, physically (from all the weight lost walking to its doors from the metro stop), and mentally.

I'm not sure what this post is exactly about. A wave of nostalgia I suppose that I want to put to the computer. Next week I return to my second semester of seminary. It has me longing even more for MVP. For that spiritual fulfillment it gave me. For how God was present there.

All people need to find their MVP. The place where they meet God most. I am beyond grateful for mine.

MVP I'm coming for you in 2017.

it's all about the people

Yesterday was my last day for the semester at Arrendale State Prison. We spent time reflecting as a group a the end of the day of what we pulled from the semester, what we want to improvement upon next semester, etc. In the back of my mind, all I could think of was a conversation I had had with Marmee over the weekend in regards to minister. What popped in my mind was a saying she shared with me that I had not heard of before....

"Love God. Love people. Noting else matters." 

I wish I could say I had a prophetic effect on the women in the prison, but the truth of the matter is, they had a prophetic effect on me. I have learned what I want to be as a minister in my relationship with the women, and how I have seen them in relationship with each other. Particularly, my relationship with one of the women. For privacy reasons, I'll call her Mrs. Doe.

Mrs. Doe and I met the first day I was at Arrendale. In a long story short, she and I became very close over the course of the semester. I saw her for the first time in a few weeks yesterday, and as my partner and I were waiting to be escorted onto the rows by the officer, we saw each other through the window. She and I both were practically jumping waving at each other. "I'm about to come up!" I mouthed to her. She threw up a thumbs up. When we got to her row, we embraced each other in a big hug. As the morning progressed, my partner and I sat in conversation with Mrs. Doe and another inmate. During a hard conversation, I saw Mrs. Doe minister to the other inmate. She reached her on a understanding level that I hadn't even. As she spoke, the other inmate looked at her with a face of gratitude through tear filled eyes. They hugged, they related, Mrs. Doe ministered to her because she simply was present. The other inmates feelings were validated by Mrs. Doe, but she advised her to move forward, forgive, and move forward. No bitterness or resentment, but freeing grace as only purely demonstrated by God and Jesus Christ. I stared at Mrs. Doe during this encounter because I was in awe of this woman sitting beside me. The same woman I chalk up to a reason why I survived this first semester of seminary because she reminded me of why I was called. Again, she taught me a lesson in ministry. A lesson that relates to my conversation with Marmee....it's all about the people.

In Luke 10:27, Jesus says, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength, and love your neighbor about yourself." Perhaps that's what I've been missing this whole semester. In my lofty plans for both my future ministry and my current works of ministry in the prison, school, even in the church, I was failing. I was failing because I had the wrong focus. Rather than focusing on those I was serving, I was focusing on how I looked. Where would I succeed in this divine call during my first semester of seminary? How would I show Christ to these women, these people, in bible studies or in conversation. I felt a bit entitled to ordained ministry because of a call on my life. A call I realize I've been taking for granted. Seminary I've been taking for granted. It is more than what I'm learning in the classroom, but what I'm learning in the classroom that I'm applying to my ministry work with people. Mrs. Doe demonstrated better pastoral care yesterday than myself. She wasn't worried about herself, but her fellow sister in Christ sitting beside her. Sitting beside her in prison none the less, and I see Jesus more there than most placing in this world. In many ways more than I see even in my own seminary.

I have a lot to learn as I move forward in this call, and in my seminary experience. My focus needs to shift from myself, and to God and the people. Seminary is an experience. It's beyond what I'm learning academically about spirituality, but how I'm living out my own spirituality. How I'm being in relationship with God's people spiritually. As Mrs. Doe showed me by example....it's all about the people. I may not know a lot of details about my future ministry yet. I have so many questions unanswered, a lot of self doubt in my own capabilities, but right now that doesn't seem to matter as much. I love God's people, and love being in relationship with them. It's been what has been my favorite part of the semester, spending time with the women at Arrendale for my contextual education. That is what matter though, right?

there is still work to be done in the kingdom.

No words I put here will be the right ones. I do not have the answers. I do not know it all. I do not claim to even have an inkling of what is the fully right answer or fully wrong answer for our nation, for our world, at the present moment. That is a disclaimer I am putting forth now. Simply, I am sharing my opinion. Which is just that, an opinion. A wise woman told me that one way she looks at things is that she has her opinions and she believes them to be right; yet she could always be wrong. Is that not the human condition though? We all have the ability to be wrong.

I am looking at this election season, and now presidential results through a different lens by viewing it as a seminary student. My mindset is constantly on looking at it from the faith perspective. That is the amusing part of seminary that no one warned me of. Seminary makes you question everything about faith. I mean EVERYTHING. It's empowering though. Seminary is making me not only check my theological beliefs, but my moral values as a human being. Why do I believe what I do? In fact, the first question I am finding myself answer is: What the heck is it that I actually believe??

I am in the midst of answering that first question right now. Filling in those blanks of where I stand theologically with Scripture, and how that unfolds socially, politically, and in my day to day life. There is no rush for me to answer these questions. Simply, I am trying to bask in the experience and learn about myself as a child of God, and my fellow (ALL MY FELLOW) brothers and sisters of Christ as the children of God they are.

Therefore, am I happy with the results of the elections? No. Would I have been happy if the tides had turned and we were celebrating our first female president of the United States? No. I knew going into this election that no matter the polling results, I would not be satisfied with the election results.

Why?


Well, because there is still work to be done in the kingdom. Even though Trump won, there is still work to be done in the kingdom. I still passed two homeless people standing on the side of the road asking for money on my way into work this morning. I still have parish sitting in the Arendale State Prison that are hurting because they want to go home. They mourn lost time sitting behind bars. They long to begin again.

On Monday, I had a particular conversation with a woman about her hope for the future. The master narrative of the penal system was telling her that her future was over. She asked me if that was true. She had found Christ in prison. Her world had been changed because she hit a literal rock bottom and wanted to have a different future. Her steps are attempting that. Yet, she feared not being able to begin again. With big eyes she asked me if her past forever defined her. My answer - honey absolutely not. Your hope resides in Christ. Through Christ, hard work, and some help you can begin again. 

There is still work to be done in the kingdom my friends. Now that the results are in, there is still work to be done in the kingdom. There are still people in prison, there are still poor people, there are still broken people. Get out there and get to work. Do not place all your trust in a human being or human constructed system. Put your trust in God and Christ and get to work.

Hillary Clinton delivered a beautiful concession speech. She called for us to accept what is and move forward. She said that there was still work to be done. As she quoted from Scripture, we do not lose hope those of us that persevere in faith. It is why I wept while she spoke.

Go do something. There is still hurt out there. I stand with those that hurt. No matter how that might look. Go stand with people. Less we continue to stand against one another. If we do that, then hope in the future is not as bright. Yet what we do with these election results will define our future. Trump will be president. Deal with those facts and move forward. What good can still be done? What good is within your power? We cannot control anyone else but ourselves. So what will you do with it?

I'm going to keep working at defining my faith. I'm going to keep working at loving other people, no matter our difference of race, gender, sexual orientation, class, nationality or political affiliation. I pray for soon to be President Donald Trump. I pray we give him a chance to surprise us all. I pray we unite as one nation, one body of Christ and fight towards the rights of all. I pray for Hillary Clinton. I pray for everyone. I pray.

Those are the musing of this church mouse on the day after the 2016 presidential election.

my first month of seminary

Time is such an odd mechanism. While it has been a month (plus a number of days) since I first began seminary, it feels like a lifetime. Perhaps it is because I feel like I'm entering a whole new chapter of my life in ways I did not truly understand prior to getting here, and actually living it. One reason is because of my amazing community of friends I have built. Never before in my life have I connected, and bonded, with a group of friends within a matter of weeks where we all still hang out on a daily basis. My peers I have included into this Candler squad of mine are some of my dearest, even though I have only known them a short time. However, I have come to understand that is not length, but depth that define relationships.

Seminary has been trying as well. There are nights where the reading before me seems so daunting, I might as well be hiking a physical mountain for how exhausted I am by the end. Yet, those moments of understanding a new concept or connecting what I learn in the classroom to my work as a youth director I am realizing are making the struggles worth it. I will not lie to say that it is easy, far from it. The most accurate metaphor to voice my emotions during these weeks is that of a roller coaster; up, down, side, upside down, all around...tumultuous.

Yesterday, however, I had the most meaningful moment thus far of my Candler experience. God used a woman in the site I am working at Lee Arendale Correctional Facility to provide a moment of spiritual clarity of not only why God placed me at Candler, but a very much needed reminder of why I am called to ministry. While I will not delve into how because of privacy, I will simply say that this woman ministered as much to me, as I did to her (hopefully).

Here is why: our pastoral encounter as prison chaplain intern and parishioner was God tapping me on the shoulder saying, "Rebecca, remember, THIS is why I called you."

God called me to ministry to be a voice for the voiceless. God called me to love God's people through service. As a tested off the charts extrovert, I thrive within the community of people, no matter if they are friends or strangers. God intertwines this into my ministry call with my spiritual gift of relating to people, people of all ages, background, etc. Ironically, on this same day that God used one of my parishioners to remind me that I am called to be voice for the voiceless, I had a message from the woman who first inspired me in journalism pursuits of being that voice for the voice. God is funny. In conversation with Ann Curry yesterday, and the parishioner, I had conversation with God through the people.

That is how God has used my first month of seminary. God has spoken to me through the people. God is teaching me about my future career in ministry through the people - women at the prison, my friends, my work, etc. For the first time yesterday, I was reminded to be grateful for struggle. Once, Kitty preached about the verse of turning struggle into perseverance in faith...that is what God is doing. That is what I needed to be reminded of. Also, that at the end of the day I am not alone in this seminary journey. I'm surrounded by a community of love - whether they are physically here or those on the other end of that text/call a few hours away...or the One who has called me to this that is all around me, ever present. It is up to me to embrace that love and blaze ahead in this messy, but beautiful chapter of my odd and wondrous calling.

I've picked up rock climbing in this new chapter. Now, I have never been one who is athletic or enjoys working out. Yet, I like the adrenaline and way one feels after. Due to my heart for hiking and the mountains (that connect so to my understanding of God), I wanted to try rock climbing. To say the least I love it. It allows me to focus on climbing, that has meaning for me metaphorically in the chaos of this new chapter with busyness of work, school, relationships, etc. It allows me to workout without wiping myself out. I smile when I am done or climbed super high to the top of the wall, looking down without being afraid. Rock climbing is an activity that I'm doing with my friends that allows me to enjoy their company outside the school environment.

Which is a poignant metaphor for this new chapter as well. If I focus on one day or rock at a time, I move up, forward, over the obstacles...yet I can only focus well on one at a time. If I look down, I slip, such as if I spend too much time looking back in life, I slip up by missing out on the presentt. God is funny isn't God.