Horseback Riding Catalyzing my Servant Leadership Preparations

It's been many months since I've blogged about anything. Not particular reason perpetuates why I've crickets have resided on my blog. Perhaps it's just the frenzied pace of life. Regardless, my soul longs to write a smidgen amount. 

#ThirdYearBestYear is my current hashtag for life. Why? Due to the fact that as of a few weeks ago, I am FINALLY AT MY FINAL YEAR OF SEMINARY. Which is both surreal and feels long over due. There is no hiding that these past two years of seminary have been a challenge for me: spiritually, physically, and mentally. Ask any young adult or adult for that matter that's attempting to juggle adulthood (yay bills!), a full course load, and working. It's an overspilling plate that is both exhausting yet so richly rewarding. While I feel as if these past two years have lasted decades, it mostly appears as if I was just walking on the campus of Emory University to begin orientation with all the other first years. Now, I'll be serving on the orientation leadership to welcome the first years as a senior. 

Only recently, though, have I come to understand that a large learning component in my seminary preparations for a life of servant leadership within ordained ministry doesn't take place on a campus or within a church building. 

It takes place in a barn on the back of a horse. 

While most of me wants to chuckle at the fact that my emerged passion for horseback riding is factoring into my call, as if it's surprising; mostly I shouldn't be shocked. Many facets of my ministry call thus far has been found in odd places or environments. Starting with the fact that I answered my call to ministry in the Capitol. An opposing breeding ground for theologians, many would argue.

At my heart I am not bewildered by this fact. But, I've only truly come to recognize and appreciate it in recent months.

Horseback riding is giving me the best leadership tools for having a successful ministry journey.

What!? How!? That makes no sense, Rebecca! 

YEAH....that's what I told myself at first. 

But truly, it makes sense when I process it.

From horsemanship....I've learned how to be comfortable with my own voice. When you're on the back of a 1200 pound animal and you're attempting to get them to listen to you, there isn't room for a timid voice. You've got to assert your authority. Otherwise, you could be seriously injured. Thus, I've learned to project this gain into other leadership roles in my life.

From horsemanship....I've learned there is no room for extra emotions. As someone with anxiety, it's always been a challenge for me to not become overemotional in situations. Although it's become better as I've entered adulthood, it's truly been riding that's propelled me into the controlled emotion zone. Why? Due to the fact that a horse is super sensitive to the mood of the rider. Therefore, you've got to have your emotions in check when you mount that horse. Otherwise, again, you could get seriously injured or just not have the ride you'd intended to have. The horse will feed off of your energy. The same in true for the servant leadership life of ministry. It's important that as I partner with others in ministry, I've got to be emotionally in control. The more I practice that in the ring, the more engrained it becomes in my behavioral pattern. Therefore, projecting into all other areas of my life, again. I am able to better discern when it's wise to be angry or upset, etc. and when it's better to leave it be or let it go.

From horsemanship....I've gained confidence in myself I never knew was possible. As one who has always struggled with insecurity, it's remarkable how much my confidence levels have improved since I began this sport. As you value your own voice and understand the importance of being in control of your reactions, actions, and every little decision - you gain greater appreciation for yourself. Thus, again, projecting into my life outside of the ring.

Horseback riding started as a simple therapeutic exercise to relieve stress from graduate school. What's emerged in the past two years is a sport I'm passionate about. A lifestyle I live. A rhythm my heart beats to. It's where God is helping mold me in some of the most life-giving ways. In order to prepare me to help give life to others out there in the world.

Horseback riding is my escape from the stresses in life, but it's also my teacher. A teacher I wasn't anticipating. But that's the point, right? Isn't that where God and Jesus show up in our lives? Environments or moments or on animals that we had no expectancy for?

The followers of Jesus weren't anticipating their Savior to enter the world in a barn or proceed in on the back of a donkey. They all were surprised! Moses didn't prepare to become a leader of the Israelites, but God showed up in a burning bush to tell him otherwise. God is notorious for showing up in places we never expected. God catches us by surprise, often. Yet, that might be when we best hear what it is God has  to say or see what God has to show us. Otherwise, we'd tune God out in the buzz of our every day, busy lives. I'm famous for doing it every day.

My life will be given in servant leadership. A gift I wouldn't have any other way. It's not a life all would chose. But, it's a call I cannot ignore. As I prepare to enter that final year of seminary, I know horseback riding plays a large role in making me a capable, and the best minister I can one day be.

A gift I thank God for every day.

What's your passion that's giving you life today?

three years later...here I am Lord

The post caught me when I bustling down the office stairs this morning on the way to the copier. My mind is set on the agenda for the day, the children's sermon I need to write, the seminary class readings I need to do. Yet, God caught my attention as I am browsing through my TimeHop app on my phone. This picture below that was my post three years ago.

Immediately I am transported back to the news studio. I remember this day, this moment, clear as day. As if it was yesterday. One moment I was on the fast track towards a career in broadcast journalism, the next moment I was saying "yes" to God's call on my life to go into ministry.


Storytime...I was in the midst of a great internship at FOX 5 DC in Washington, D.C. Anyone who knows me well most likely has heard my many tales of my D.C. adventures. How it was the time of my college life. I was SO happy. Which included my journalism classes at American University, and my internship at FOX 5 DC. There was no ounce of me that was unhappy; however, there was a part of my soul that was unsettled. At my core as I was experiencing my time at Mount Vernon Place United Methodist Church, discovering who I was, and more, I was feeling an unsettling nudge in my soul that God wanted more. In the middle of the newsroom on that October Friday, 2014, I finished the thought to say "yes" to a life of ministry.

Now, this post is not to rehash my ministry call story. I've shared that before a number of times. No, this is to point to where God has to lead me. The other day I sat down map out the rest of my classes for seminary. Ironically, the end of this semester will mark my halfway point with seminary. If the last half goes by as quickly as the first half, I'll be done with seminary before I know it; graduating and heading towards ordained ministry. A fact which blows my mind.

You know, time is such a funny thing. It's almost this allusion that at differing points appears to slow down or speed up significantly. While it feels like yesterday when I first had the "ah-ha!" moment to answer my call to ministry, it also feels like forever ago. These past three years have brought about such changes.

Changes that will only continue. Yet, I chose today to pause and thank God for this odd and wondrous call. I am so thankful for where my saying "yes" has led me. I adore the people I am in ministry with. I appreciate the lessons seminary is giving me, both about myself and theologically. God is showing up in such incredible ways. A few days ago I paused because I realized how in God's plan I feel I am right now. God has been leading towards such a time as this. I am completely in my element, my stride, and at peace. I am where God has meant for me to be. Possibly more so than ever before in my life. Or at least I am more aware of it than ever before.

Today, therefore, I am thankful. I am thankful for this call, with all its joys and messiness. I am thankful for the people who are walking this journey with me. I am thankful for those who use to walk with me, whose season has since ended. Endings are sad, but they bring about, I have found enlightenment. It hurts to say goodbye or see someone's role in your life change, but you wouldn't change a thing because it's led you to where you are now; which is a huge lesson I have learned. I am thankful for seminary, my friends there, and all the ways it challenges me. I am thankful for the church I call home. I am thankful today. I am so very thankful.

This Church Mouse signs off for now.

Listening for God.

Whenever I first received my call to ministry, I was accepting. In those honeymoon stage days of realizing it was a life of full time ministry that God was calling me to, I was elated. Strolling through the streets of Washington, DC and sitting in the congregation at Mount Vernon Place UMC, I was on my own type of high. I was rearing to go.

Insert returning to South Carolina and my undergrad. As I dealt with the real-world questions of what this ministry call would unfold to, I panicked. Suddenly, I was so nervous. Yesterday during mountain top worship, I explained in a sermon to my campers about what I deem the turtle effect. You know the metaphor of "fight or flight"? Well, I am typically flight and go within my turtle shell (imagine me in a ball on the ground demonstrating this to 150 plus campers, counselors, and staff). Initial reaction to real world issue of what will ministry life view will be like was RETREAT. 

God drug me along kicking and screaming though. Ministry call is like flipping on a switch. Once it's on, you cannot turn the nagging sound off. If you ever desire to feel peace again, you must obey where God is leading you. Therefore, I carried on reluctantly senior year of college. Forever dreading the end of college and having to face this call. 

God provided a key person for me during this period of transition. One who knows who they are that I don't have to name. A person who let me completely word vomit all my fears, but calmly listened and offered advice or simply the phrase, "Go pray about it."

I bring all of this up for the purpose of recanting the God moment from this morning. Answering the question of what does it mean to listen to God? That was what I asked the sleepy-eyed campers this morning. God asked me to ask myself that question. Our verse for this morning's worship was Samuel 9:10. Where Samuel is constantly hearing his name being called, and believes it to be Eli. Yet, Eli knows it is God calling Samuel and tells him to "Go lie down and listen." 

I have a very profound connection to this scripture. A story that helped me decide to go into seminary full time when I graduated, and turn down a job offer at a place I loved. Decisions which to this day are some of the most challenging I have yet to face.

Back story - The week I had to decide between the two I was discussing this issue with said above person. She told me to go pray about it. So, I went into the sanctuary of Broad Street and opened to 1 Samuel, Chapter 9. I sent a text to the person and said, "I am going to go pace the sanctuary and pray and read this chapter of Samuel over and over. Placing my phone down, I didn't surmise again about the text. I paced, prayed, and still didn't feel right. Finally, I came to the portion of the scripture which reads about Eli telling Samuel to "Go lie down and listen." Well, I went to the front of the altar and laid down and listened. Legit laid down in front of the altar and just listened. No, I didn't hear a voice.  But, I heard  the answer in my head. "Go to Candler." I laid there for a while and that just kept repeating in my mind. I was supposed to go to Candler.

Finally when I went to go back to my phone and looked, that mentioned person had returned my text. She said, "if I am your Eli then I say to, Go lie down and listen." Looking at the time the text had been sent, it was the EXACT moment I had laid my eyes on that portion of the verse and decided to lay down at the altar myself. (GOOSEBUMPS).

I shared a portion of this story with the kids this morning. What I didn't share with them was that I still struggle with listening to God like that. Yes, I obeyed and went to seminary. I went like Jonah though with hesitation, frustration, and walls up. Only when I found my niche of seminary studies and working in a congregation I adore that affirms my gifts and strengths of ministry have I been more open. Not necessarily the best way to go about it. But, I know that right now I am trying more to listen to God. Listening is so taxing. But, we have a choice to listen or not. From my experiences in the past year, I can tell you listening is a better option. I learned that the hard way. Yes, I found a better footing now. But, not without hurt along the way that includes some lost relationships, releasing control of my direction, and other lifestyles that other friends of mine are living in their twenties which I cannot do because of my call.

God provides though. Always, God provides. So I ask you like I asked the campers this morning - Are you listening to God? 

God Sightings

Pastor Rebecca....

Yup. That's what I am going by this week. For the first time in my call, I am being referred to as Pastor Rebecca. No shame when I say that that causes me to nerd out a little bit. Whenever the sweet staffer, Reba, handed me my name tag with the title, "Camp Pastor" underneath my name, I was a bit giddy. 

Never would I have thought I would be a camp girl. But, I must admit that a few hours here and I am smittened. Ironically a deeper self isn't surprised I love it here already so much. In my twenties I am constantly finding out facts about myself that were suppressed for years. Such as my love of outdoors (insert hiking), a modern taste in my home decor, a greater understanding that I am more introverted than I had ever thought. My supposed extroverted nature being more a fear of being alone or craving a need for people's approval/attention. Rather, I find a deep need to be alone to refuel. Still I do love being with others, don't bat an eyelash at meeting new people, and take a certain energy from crowds. However, I appreciate more deeply the gift of time alone with myself. I no longer fear it, but look forward to it. For example, I enjoy going to see movies alone now. It's a way to recharge, and spend alone time. Which a year ago me would have be completely wigged out about...

My point being, I am a bit but not really surprised I am loving camp. Just as my heart has fully been stolen by the mountains in the past few years. The older I am getting, the more I feel myself living in the woman God created me to be. It's kind of funny that the theme this summer for Asbury Hills is Noise - as recently I've been pondering the own noise in my life. That noise which exists in the outside world and that which exist within myself. 

Noise: self doubt, fear, what-if scenarios, jealousy, anxiety...and so much more. 

All of which is the opposite of what I need to live an abundant life. Abundance which I feel stronger than I have in a long time. As I was telling a friend the other day - I am actually content with my life at the moment. Which I have previously mentioned in other blogs. This time though, I am referring to the contentment with myself. Which is BIG for me. 

A girl who seriously struggles with self-doubt. I have so much insecurity. Which I mask and fight hard against. Yet, I have found a weird switch occurring. I don't have as much insecurity as I use to. I don't have as much self-doubt as I use to. When exactly this moment occurred, I cannot pinpoint. But it happened somewhere along the way in these last few months. In which emerged a self confidence I have never had before. Suddenly, I am able to enjoy my life that much more. Not that any circumstances have changed, but I have - for the better. 

Therefore, I am working on being more present in today. Searching, also, for God sightings. Leading me to today. Now, I haven't been here to Asbury Hills Camp since I was like 8. I did not know the way. I shared this story with the kids tonight. When I drove up the sign this afternoon, I parked my car to take a picture of the sign. I'm a sucker for a good picture (which any of my close friends and family will verify). 

Back story before I reveal the God moment of today - my first day as camp pastor for the week. I adore butterflies. Always have. When I was a kid, I studied them intently. My wallpaper in my room had it. I wore butterfly clips in my hair. Adored them. As I got older, I learned that a butterfly is a metaphor for the resurrection, since it means new life. I began to use this metaphor to say that when I saw a butterfly it was the Holy Spirit's presence. 

SO...when I parked to take that picture of the sign... a butterfly flew across the sign. A yellow butterfly - which is the representation of new life. 

*Insert goosebumps*. 

My new chapter didn't begin when I began seminary. It began sometime earlier this year whenever I began to walk more confidently in the identity that God has given me. Which is getting stronger with each day. 

More God sightings to come.... 

finding the niche of my call in seminary

During my riding lesson today, I rode on a Western saddle for the first time. The Western saddle is sturdier while the rider is also able to be hold the reins with one hand (rather than two in English style). A few moments in, and I took a deep sigh of relief. My shoulders relaxed as I directed Reggie into a trot. Smiling big.

I began horseback riding about three months ago. The second phase of my search to find hobbies or my niche of hobbies in the new chapter of my life. Rock-climbing came first. Truly, I find rock-climbing becoming a passion and a sort of sport. My concentration, dedication, and focus comes from a sports manner rather than that which is to relax me. Not that it doesn't, but I find a drive to constantly rise in levels of rock-climbing. My goal is to become lead certified by summer. It's a passion rather than just simply that which helps me relax.

Yet, horseback riding has become that blissful sect of my search for hobbies outside of my theological studies or work within the church. When I'm around the horses, I am instantly calmed. Joy fills my heart when I drive up that winding dirt road towards the barn. Horses neighing fills the air. It's a sanctuary for me.

Why am I giving these details? Well, the answer is because of the breakthrough I found today in riding on the Western saddle, and Western style. My instructor Leslie called out when I began riding Western, asking how I liked it. I returned that I felt like I had found my niche.

The same I found when registering for summer classes, and picking fall classes for my second year of seminary. Yup. Only four weeks left in my first year of seminary. Which blows my mind. Yet, I am grateful to almost be done. End of semester exhaustion is quickly catching up with this seminarian, and I look forward to a summer break. (Well a break of less classes at least). However, it was when I was plotting the course of second year that I experienced another breakthrough.

Truthfully, I feel at times I appear misleading on my social media accounts with my experience in seminary this first year. Whenever I'll run into friends or people back home, they always state how it looks like I'm really enjoying seminary. Guilt twinges me sometimes when people say this. Not to say that seminary hasn't been enjoyable - but not always.

It's been a rough ride this first year. Mostly, that first semester what a challenge. On more than one occasion I considered leaving, only to stay because of the amazing support system of my new seminary friends I had here, plus a sister of Christ in my internship at Arrendale State Prison. A fleeting moment, of course, but none the less I was questioning why I was here. A bit of anger was underneath my smile as I struggled to find my niche here in seminary. I knew it was a degree I had to obtain to continue my work in ministry; to answer my call as an Elder in the UMC. Yet, I was jaded to the experience of seminary which grows me as person, Christian, and child of God. Truly, it would take until January of this year that I woke up to have greater appreciation of this journey of seminary. Not hoops to jump through or hurdles to fly over as I had envisioned first semester; but a journey of self-discovery. Self-discovery that entrenched in that portion of my self that's called to this life of ministry.

What I had to find was my niche. A reason of why I was called to seminary, that which sets me apart from participating in ministry in a non-ordained manner. Someone in my life expressed back months ago that my disgruntled attitude in seminary might be rooted in the fact that I wasn't letting God in to direct my path of answering how I am called to ordained ministry. Seminary is about defining that path. It wasn't until recently I truly understood what she meant, and began working on defining that which is my niche of ministry.

On some level, I had that breakthrough in deciding my classes for summer and fall, along with my new work at St. John's UMC where I am able to use my talents and gifts to serve the congregation. The classes I am choosing, which revolve around congregational revitalization, church leadership, etc. Here is where I'm discovering my niche. Which is still unfolding of course, but the short of the long is that I found such excitement I had yet to experience when picking my classes. More occurred which added to that breakthrough. Details too great for this blog post. Therefore, I'll close with this thought.

God's path for us is always best. If we have walls up, God cannot begin working on our heart which God uses to grow the kingdom. My walls were up very securely when I entered seminary, and I crossed my arms at God that I wasn't going to let me them down. But, I only made myself unhappy that way. Therefore, I slowly let them down, one brick at a time. As each brick has come down, I have become more and more content. Again not happy (which is temporary feelings), but content in knowing through the good and the bad days, I'm on God's path for my life. That's a breakthrough. I'm more content than I've been ever in my life. I still struggle with those days I question it all. But, I don't doubt any longer why I am here. I know why I am here, and I'm letting God direct that path. 

Perhaps the key is riding the Western saddle of my call always. That Western saddle that's God's plan verses my own. Which makes riding this call (and life in general) better.

giving myself permission to be happy....

Sitting across the dinner table from my mom on a visit home, she says to me, "Rebecca, you actually look happy."

That statement startled me. In the following days I thought more seriously about her statement. Truth is, I was happy. In full disclosure I am happy for the first time in my life. Perhaps there is a better word to describe my current state of affairs...I am content. I am well.

The hymn goes...
"When peace like a river, attendeth my way,When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul
It is well
With my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul"

I would classify that as the best description of how I am. Again, it is a way of living I was caught by surprise I was living. My blog I have said before is a documenting of my ministry journey. I try to address it like that I would a sermon or piece of writing that has meaning beyond myself, and that which glorifies how God is working in my life. Not in an over zealous manner that lacks genuniaty but a telling of my story that allows God to shine through. I am a flawed human being who keeps messing up that ministry call but God continually makes good of my messes. Therefore, I am allowing myself to be happy.

As a child I was a people pleaser (still am in many regards). I avoided conflict like the plague. In my adolescent years I began pouring all my energy into helping others or how I perceived helping others. Yet in retrospect I now understand is I was simply draining myself to keep those around me happy - which wasn't my responsibility to be had.

Whenever I entered into college I had another issue arise, my diagnosis with clinical anxiety and depression. A facet of my life I do not share intimate details with expect my close people, but I am open to the world to sharing the fact I deal with both. My hope in that transparency is to aid of ending stigmatism around mental health. All of which adds to layers of that which was draining the contentment from my life. I had better days or periods, but the pendulum of life always seemed to swing back around. Until I took better responsibility of my participation in my own story.

Seminary has become the best thing to happen to me. While I wish I could say it was all about the preparation of my future ministry as a minister, this first year is largely revolving around discovery of myself. Hence my owning my narrative. Challenges have arisen - questions have arisen - God has arisen. A metaphor many second and third year Master students use to describe the seminary experience is the three stages of Jesus's crucifixion, death, and  resurrection. First year is that crucifixion stage and man oh man...at times I feel that pain full on. Other times it isn't half bad. Qualms of life and graduate school are present but my disposition of handling life's challenges began to shift.

I'm beginning to understand that I must discover self in order to discover God. Kitty once described the Golden Rule as a three stage process. An enlightening fact that has changed my viewpoint of my faith forever. If I am supposed to be this beloved child of a Creator who loves me with a love I cannot begin to comprehend (that I have responsibility to love others in the same manner) then I must love myself as God loves me.

Yet as I began this sense of self-discovery I came to see I had never given myself permission to explore who it was I am. I relied more heavily to let myself be defined by others around me or by worrying about what others around me were doing or their opinion of myself. Therefore, I began to give myself permission to explore. What hobbies did I want to try? What foods did I like or not like? Whom were those I let into my inner circle? What followed was a beautiful love for myself.

Now I am not saying all of a sudden I became this egotistical woman. No, I just began to recognize God made me to be a special individual in this world so I can further the kingdom. Therefore if I want to plow ahead in farming that kingdom, I better be bodily prepared.

Which is why I am content. I mean I am really happy with life right now for the first time. I catch myself at times smiling because of how good life is. When I began letting down those walls of supposed protection around my heart, goodness came flooding in. I find pleasure in my hobbies that give me life. A sense of worship for myself because I am one with God's creatures whenever I ride or focus on keeping myself healthy (so I can serve others) when I climb or run for my health. My people in my life are dearer than ever before. Friends have become family. I've also made room to enjoy being alone. Sitting in my den reading or watching Netflix is a time of sanctuary now that previously I avoided at all cost.

So yes, I am content. I am in a job I love. I have friends I love. I have family that I love. I am a part of a church family I love. I am in a school I love. I have hobbies I love. I'm dating an awesome person. Which is the first time I've dated for years. Life is so good. Not perfect -but good. Which God is good so I shouldn't be that surprised when I let God in that goodness also followed.

everything I need to know about ministry I learned at MVP

One question I've had to answer many times since I started seminary comes in a form somewhere along the lines of "So, how did you decide to study to be a minister?" I always start the narrative by saying, "Well there is this place called Mount Vernon Place United Methodist Church". You know how many characters in the Bible have their location or item that is significant with their call story? Moses and the burning bush. Jesus and Bethlehem. David and Jerusalem. It seems that every person in the Bible who was called by God in one or another fashion have a starting point; either a place or a significant moment. In regards to my call, it is a place. It is a white marble church that sits in the heart of downtown Washington, D.C. A location where for myself time appeared to stand still because my four and half months within its doors feel like a lifetime. Time in that place was irrelevant. Whenever I am struggling with my call, I close my eyes and picture MVP. I picture the people within its doors who I got know. I picture the sanctuary, and can still hear the music from the Sundays I worshiped there. I can picture the glass classroom in the middle of the third floor where I attended the numerous small group/bible studies. I take a deep breathe and fill the Holy Spirit come within my soul as I remember. It is like recharging for me.

Everything I need to know about ministry, I learned at MVP.

It has been two years since I've been there. Yet, I still feel it's presence within my heart, within  my soul. That connection has become deeper as I completed my first semester of seminary. I found my mind retreating frequently to my days during that Fall of 2014 that were spent at that place on Massachusetts Ave. Maybe that's why I've been missing my Mecca a little extra these past few months; because I've had to return to my memory vault time and again to the lessons I learned there. I'll think of specific lessons or moments during a class lecture. Or when I'm studying. Or when I'm walking around campus. Or when I'm in a pastoral moment with a woman at Arrendale State Prison, or when I pass a homeless person on the streets of Atlanta. MVP helped me be my best self - spiritually, physically (from all the weight lost walking to its doors from the metro stop), and mentally.

I'm not sure what this post is exactly about. A wave of nostalgia I suppose that I want to put to the computer. Next week I return to my second semester of seminary. It has me longing even more for MVP. For that spiritual fulfillment it gave me. For how God was present there.

All people need to find their MVP. The place where they meet God most. I am beyond grateful for mine.

MVP I'm coming for you in 2017.

it's all about the people

Yesterday was my last day for the semester at Arrendale State Prison. We spent time reflecting as a group a the end of the day of what we pulled from the semester, what we want to improvement upon next semester, etc. In the back of my mind, all I could think of was a conversation I had had with Marmee over the weekend in regards to minister. What popped in my mind was a saying she shared with me that I had not heard of before....

"Love God. Love people. Noting else matters." 

I wish I could say I had a prophetic effect on the women in the prison, but the truth of the matter is, they had a prophetic effect on me. I have learned what I want to be as a minister in my relationship with the women, and how I have seen them in relationship with each other. Particularly, my relationship with one of the women. For privacy reasons, I'll call her Mrs. Doe.

Mrs. Doe and I met the first day I was at Arrendale. In a long story short, she and I became very close over the course of the semester. I saw her for the first time in a few weeks yesterday, and as my partner and I were waiting to be escorted onto the rows by the officer, we saw each other through the window. She and I both were practically jumping waving at each other. "I'm about to come up!" I mouthed to her. She threw up a thumbs up. When we got to her row, we embraced each other in a big hug. As the morning progressed, my partner and I sat in conversation with Mrs. Doe and another inmate. During a hard conversation, I saw Mrs. Doe minister to the other inmate. She reached her on a understanding level that I hadn't even. As she spoke, the other inmate looked at her with a face of gratitude through tear filled eyes. They hugged, they related, Mrs. Doe ministered to her because she simply was present. The other inmates feelings were validated by Mrs. Doe, but she advised her to move forward, forgive, and move forward. No bitterness or resentment, but freeing grace as only purely demonstrated by God and Jesus Christ. I stared at Mrs. Doe during this encounter because I was in awe of this woman sitting beside me. The same woman I chalk up to a reason why I survived this first semester of seminary because she reminded me of why I was called. Again, she taught me a lesson in ministry. A lesson that relates to my conversation with Marmee....it's all about the people.

In Luke 10:27, Jesus says, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength, and love your neighbor about yourself." Perhaps that's what I've been missing this whole semester. In my lofty plans for both my future ministry and my current works of ministry in the prison, school, even in the church, I was failing. I was failing because I had the wrong focus. Rather than focusing on those I was serving, I was focusing on how I looked. Where would I succeed in this divine call during my first semester of seminary? How would I show Christ to these women, these people, in bible studies or in conversation. I felt a bit entitled to ordained ministry because of a call on my life. A call I realize I've been taking for granted. Seminary I've been taking for granted. It is more than what I'm learning in the classroom, but what I'm learning in the classroom that I'm applying to my ministry work with people. Mrs. Doe demonstrated better pastoral care yesterday than myself. She wasn't worried about herself, but her fellow sister in Christ sitting beside her. Sitting beside her in prison none the less, and I see Jesus more there than most placing in this world. In many ways more than I see even in my own seminary.

I have a lot to learn as I move forward in this call, and in my seminary experience. My focus needs to shift from myself, and to God and the people. Seminary is an experience. It's beyond what I'm learning academically about spirituality, but how I'm living out my own spirituality. How I'm being in relationship with God's people spiritually. As Mrs. Doe showed me by example....it's all about the people. I may not know a lot of details about my future ministry yet. I have so many questions unanswered, a lot of self doubt in my own capabilities, but right now that doesn't seem to matter as much. I love God's people, and love being in relationship with them. It's been what has been my favorite part of the semester, spending time with the women at Arrendale for my contextual education. That is what matter though, right?

there is still work to be done in the kingdom.

No words I put here will be the right ones. I do not have the answers. I do not know it all. I do not claim to even have an inkling of what is the fully right answer or fully wrong answer for our nation, for our world, at the present moment. That is a disclaimer I am putting forth now. Simply, I am sharing my opinion. Which is just that, an opinion. A wise woman told me that one way she looks at things is that she has her opinions and she believes them to be right; yet she could always be wrong. Is that not the human condition though? We all have the ability to be wrong.

I am looking at this election season, and now presidential results through a different lens by viewing it as a seminary student. My mindset is constantly on looking at it from the faith perspective. That is the amusing part of seminary that no one warned me of. Seminary makes you question everything about faith. I mean EVERYTHING. It's empowering though. Seminary is making me not only check my theological beliefs, but my moral values as a human being. Why do I believe what I do? In fact, the first question I am finding myself answer is: What the heck is it that I actually believe??

I am in the midst of answering that first question right now. Filling in those blanks of where I stand theologically with Scripture, and how that unfolds socially, politically, and in my day to day life. There is no rush for me to answer these questions. Simply, I am trying to bask in the experience and learn about myself as a child of God, and my fellow (ALL MY FELLOW) brothers and sisters of Christ as the children of God they are.

Therefore, am I happy with the results of the elections? No. Would I have been happy if the tides had turned and we were celebrating our first female president of the United States? No. I knew going into this election that no matter the polling results, I would not be satisfied with the election results.

Why?


Well, because there is still work to be done in the kingdom. Even though Trump won, there is still work to be done in the kingdom. I still passed two homeless people standing on the side of the road asking for money on my way into work this morning. I still have parish sitting in the Arendale State Prison that are hurting because they want to go home. They mourn lost time sitting behind bars. They long to begin again.

On Monday, I had a particular conversation with a woman about her hope for the future. The master narrative of the penal system was telling her that her future was over. She asked me if that was true. She had found Christ in prison. Her world had been changed because she hit a literal rock bottom and wanted to have a different future. Her steps are attempting that. Yet, she feared not being able to begin again. With big eyes she asked me if her past forever defined her. My answer - honey absolutely not. Your hope resides in Christ. Through Christ, hard work, and some help you can begin again. 

There is still work to be done in the kingdom my friends. Now that the results are in, there is still work to be done in the kingdom. There are still people in prison, there are still poor people, there are still broken people. Get out there and get to work. Do not place all your trust in a human being or human constructed system. Put your trust in God and Christ and get to work.

Hillary Clinton delivered a beautiful concession speech. She called for us to accept what is and move forward. She said that there was still work to be done. As she quoted from Scripture, we do not lose hope those of us that persevere in faith. It is why I wept while she spoke.

Go do something. There is still hurt out there. I stand with those that hurt. No matter how that might look. Go stand with people. Less we continue to stand against one another. If we do that, then hope in the future is not as bright. Yet what we do with these election results will define our future. Trump will be president. Deal with those facts and move forward. What good can still be done? What good is within your power? We cannot control anyone else but ourselves. So what will you do with it?

I'm going to keep working at defining my faith. I'm going to keep working at loving other people, no matter our difference of race, gender, sexual orientation, class, nationality or political affiliation. I pray for soon to be President Donald Trump. I pray we give him a chance to surprise us all. I pray we unite as one nation, one body of Christ and fight towards the rights of all. I pray for Hillary Clinton. I pray for everyone. I pray.

Those are the musing of this church mouse on the day after the 2016 presidential election.

my first month of seminary

Time is such an odd mechanism. While it has been a month (plus a number of days) since I first began seminary, it feels like a lifetime. Perhaps it is because I feel like I'm entering a whole new chapter of my life in ways I did not truly understand prior to getting here, and actually living it. One reason is because of my amazing community of friends I have built. Never before in my life have I connected, and bonded, with a group of friends within a matter of weeks where we all still hang out on a daily basis. My peers I have included into this Candler squad of mine are some of my dearest, even though I have only known them a short time. However, I have come to understand that is not length, but depth that define relationships.

Seminary has been trying as well. There are nights where the reading before me seems so daunting, I might as well be hiking a physical mountain for how exhausted I am by the end. Yet, those moments of understanding a new concept or connecting what I learn in the classroom to my work as a youth director I am realizing are making the struggles worth it. I will not lie to say that it is easy, far from it. The most accurate metaphor to voice my emotions during these weeks is that of a roller coaster; up, down, side, upside down, all around...tumultuous.

Yesterday, however, I had the most meaningful moment thus far of my Candler experience. God used a woman in the site I am working at Lee Arendale Correctional Facility to provide a moment of spiritual clarity of not only why God placed me at Candler, but a very much needed reminder of why I am called to ministry. While I will not delve into how because of privacy, I will simply say that this woman ministered as much to me, as I did to her (hopefully).

Here is why: our pastoral encounter as prison chaplain intern and parishioner was God tapping me on the shoulder saying, "Rebecca, remember, THIS is why I called you."

God called me to ministry to be a voice for the voiceless. God called me to love God's people through service. As a tested off the charts extrovert, I thrive within the community of people, no matter if they are friends or strangers. God intertwines this into my ministry call with my spiritual gift of relating to people, people of all ages, background, etc. Ironically, on this same day that God used one of my parishioners to remind me that I am called to be voice for the voiceless, I had a message from the woman who first inspired me in journalism pursuits of being that voice for the voice. God is funny. In conversation with Ann Curry yesterday, and the parishioner, I had conversation with God through the people.

That is how God has used my first month of seminary. God has spoken to me through the people. God is teaching me about my future career in ministry through the people - women at the prison, my friends, my work, etc. For the first time yesterday, I was reminded to be grateful for struggle. Once, Kitty preached about the verse of turning struggle into perseverance in faith...that is what God is doing. That is what I needed to be reminded of. Also, that at the end of the day I am not alone in this seminary journey. I'm surrounded by a community of love - whether they are physically here or those on the other end of that text/call a few hours away...or the One who has called me to this that is all around me, ever present. It is up to me to embrace that love and blaze ahead in this messy, but beautiful chapter of my odd and wondrous calling.

I've picked up rock climbing in this new chapter. Now, I have never been one who is athletic or enjoys working out. Yet, I like the adrenaline and way one feels after. Due to my heart for hiking and the mountains (that connect so to my understanding of God), I wanted to try rock climbing. To say the least I love it. It allows me to focus on climbing, that has meaning for me metaphorically in the chaos of this new chapter with busyness of work, school, relationships, etc. It allows me to workout without wiping myself out. I smile when I am done or climbed super high to the top of the wall, looking down without being afraid. Rock climbing is an activity that I'm doing with my friends that allows me to enjoy their company outside the school environment.

Which is a poignant metaphor for this new chapter as well. If I focus on one day or rock at a time, I move up, forward, over the obstacles...yet I can only focus well on one at a time. If I look down, I slip, such as if I spend too much time looking back in life, I slip up by missing out on the presentt. God is funny isn't God.

finding my church ten minutes into orientation

Yes, I need to write more than I have. Here I am really going to try again. My hope is that having so many incredible things happening at Candler will push me to tap into this portion of me that longs to write. Here is a start....

I kept telling myself a lie leading up to the weeks prior to my moving to Atlanta. I was apprehensive all through summer that I wouldn't find people when I first came to the city, when I first began at Candler. It was most likely due to the fact that all was so unknown of what this community would look right. Judging what your classmates will look like in undergraduate is pretty easy - young, eighteen years old leaving home for the first time. A tangible reality to prepare for. My controlling personality was longing to know exactly what was ahead so I could begin to prepare accordingly. Yet, God was keeping the secret joy of my coming community at Candler at bay, and I was going insane. Therefore, I was stubborn and scoffed "I am not worried about it, because I'm not going to seminary to make friends. I am there to get my degree. I have my people here at home."

LIE. Well, sort of. I do have an incredible community at home of friends, family, and loved ones. The lie though was the idea that my soul didn't want any new friends. Deep down I knew it was vital for my success in seminary to have a community. In the past, that has always been the church. It has also been where I found many of those awesome people in my community of people. Church in seminary would look differently though. I would be working for the church, not a congregation member. I would be preparing to serve the church as a future clergy, not as a volunteer or congregation member. Those days had sailed. My understanding even then was my church would have to be those that understood my call, and could provide the church for me outside the walls of the typical brick and mortar church building.

God is sneaky, and I have found that ten minutes into my time here at Candler. My church I have found in a sweet group of peers that with each passing day here in Atlanta, we are growing closer. I met up with Lucas in the parking garage upon my arrival to Candler. I was in a frenzy because I couldn't find the right one, I was running late, and my anxiety was through the roof. We walked in together with my heart in my throat. On the second floor of the Rita Anne Rollins Building, there was a buzz. All the new students for Candler School of Theology were standing around eating, signing in, making small talk, and second/third year students and Candler staff were present as well mingling. It was very overwhelming.

Then - boom. I found my church. Lucas recognized a young woman who was from his conference. I recognized Kristen's husband from Exploration in Orlando last Nov. as one of the students working the Candler table. We struck up easy conversation. Along the way Michelle and Anne joined our group because they all knew each other from Leadership Candler. As we chatted, we realized we had a great deal in common. The biggest thing was that same fear I had - having no friends right away. Haley later joined in the group, too whenever we moved into the activities of the day.

Yet here we were - all freshly undergraduate graduates. Four of us Elder candidates in the United Methodist Church. All lovers of hiking. All fearing the unknown.

We stuck together all of orientation, and since our friendships are only growing. In the midst of chaos of new beginnings, we are finding support when tough decisions need to be made. Or whenever a tender moment of inner conflict needs to be shared because something at orientation taps into that tender portion of our soul. My Candler Squad has become my church. Already we are finding those that allow us to be who we are. Shoulders to cry on; ears to mull over life decisions together; ears for unpacking all the craziness that will be seminary life; and people to share in the joys of life with.

God is SO good. Marmee always tells me to remember - "God provides".

Well, woah. God provided big in my people. Already I am beyond grateful for their friendship. I am grateful for those old Christian roots we are returning to where the church was a house church of people coming together to live life and worship God. These people are my church.



Somehow because of them, I know that all of this is going to be ok.

Lesson one - you're not alone - Marmee.

There are a number of individuals who have been guiding forces for me in this ministry call within the past two years. Some are ones who were influential for a moment that I needed it, or for a season of my ministry call where they were the person that said/did just the right thing that I needed. However, there have been a select few people who have been by my side, unconditionally, through all the seasons of this ministry call thus far that I know will also be there always. For this lesson one of my ministry call, I want to highlight some of these individuals one at a time. My hope is that my sharing of those dearest to me in this, will also encourage you to recognize those special people in your life that are supporting you or encourage you to go be that for someone. The people who remind you that you are not alone.

First person - Angela Halter Marshall - or "Marmee".

Back story: I've known Angela for almost ten years now. She came to my home church when I was in the sixth grade as the youth director. Even after she left my church, we have stayed in contact. We would get lunch whenever she was in town or whenever I was in Sumter. There were also exchange of texts or following the latest news of each others' lives on social media. (One positive side to social media.)

Yet it wasn't until two years ago that there was new type of life breathed into our relationship. What I like to deem was the Holy Spirit breathing life into it. I'll forever clearly remember that day in Washington, D.C. when I had my moment of realization that I had a call to ministry. It hit me suddenly as if wind had suddenly overcome me, causing the lightbulb to go "ding" and my brain to go "duh!".  As I pondered this new (not so new but finally named) thought of ministry, I knew I need to talk about it, digest it, discuss it, obsess over it...well you get the picture. In other words, I needed a person that I trusted that I knew had also experienced something similar that could help me.

That day I picked up the phone and texted Angela. 

Afterwards, it began a relationship in my life that quickly became one of my biggest advocates and confidantes for my ministry call. It always seemed as if she had "just the right" words or understanding similar experience as myself to help me through all the season of my ministry call. 

From her, I learned that this call to ministry is not an easy road. However, you never give up. She had (has) the greatest poise, strength, and patience as a minister. Whenever I returned home and would go visit her, I witnessed how she interacted with her parish. Her unconditional love and commitment to them was evident, as was her passion for this divine call to service. I stood in awe many times. 

I also learned that I was not alone. No matter how many times I came to her with the same problems repeatedly, or needed to hear the same tough love guidance, she gave it to me. Whenever I had a joyous moment to share or had a crisis I needed help with (many times minor ones of my own over-thinking brain), she was there at the drop of a hat. No matter if I was texting, calling, or running to Sumter - she was ALWAYS there for me. That came to mean the world to me. It was first through her relationship that I learned I was not alone in this journey of ministry.

As time has gone on, we have only grown closer. Now, it is also with just life stuff in general or funny quirks we share. We both over think everything - much as we deemed like the stomach of a cow where we just keep digesting it back and forth, over and over. We both love GIF keyboards, and many of our text conversations are full of those pictures being sent back and forth. We both have a passion for God's people as we serve them in ministry. 

She's an amazing example that God has blessed me with to know and learn from. 

As seen, she's not just "Angela" to me any longer. I told her that calling her Angela just didn't seem deep enough to describe my relationship with her as a mentor, friend, and support. After a lot of brainstorming it finally hit me one day and I was able to deem the perfect nickname - "Marmee". Much from inspiration of the mother from "Little Women" but also from personal factors of our own relationship. I took "Mar" from her last name of "Marshall" and "mee" since she blesses "me" so richly in our relationship. 

I have a gift this summer prior to entering seminary. My summer has now unexpectedly been graced with an internship at her church, where on a weekly basis I get to spend time with her working in ministry. I am beyond grateful for it. As I prepare to enter a new chapter of my life and ministry call, I am able to prepare with her by my side on a day to day basis. I am witnessing more often this summer how to minister well to your parish from her. I am able to spend quality time with her as well just because. It is filling my heart with such joy and I'm thankful to God for it. 

Recently, we had an impromptu trip to Candler Theological Seminary while in Atlanta. It was quite the Godly moment for both her and myself. As I stepped off the church bus and stood in front of the sign of my future seminary, I looked at the woman standing before me, smiling and getting ready to take a picture. I smiled myself because I was just grateful. Grateful to know her. Grateful to be there with the first person I told that was full circle for me. Grateful to know that I was not alone. 

Go be that someone for another person. Be the one that supports them to remind them that they are not alone.

I love you, Marmee. Thanks for being you.

   

new beginnings....ending of chapters....

It's been a few months since I have written. There have been many times I've pulled up my blog and have gotten as far as pulling up a blank screen for the post, only to delete the draft. I just have not been able to sit down to write. At first I couldn't figure out why. Now, I think I understand it was because my soul needed to digest all that was happening around me.

New beginnings are always beautiful. It is a chance to start fresh. Many times it's when you are starting exciting dreams or fulfilling a long wished for job or forming a new relationship. Yet, there is another side to new beginnings, a darker side that one must first deal with before "beginning". You see for something to begin, something else has to end.

Those are the truly challenging parts - endings.

I'm not good with endings. I'm not a fan of change. I like for things to stay the same or at least control the direction in which the change is happening. This desire for control is where God and I go back and forth the most in my ministry call. When I want to call the shots, God gently guides my circumstances in different directions. All along the way as my ministry call unfolds further, I see the beauty in God's plan that is far better beyond anything I was trying to script. Yet, I still have to work at letting go.

Now, I am actually sitting down to write. At this point I'm a little over a month past graduating from Presbyterian College. It was such a joyous occasion, but also one tainted with sadness. I have had to deal with my heart being broke wide open as I closed the chapter of my life with Broad Street United Methodist Church. Do not get me wrong, I knew it would be hard to say "see you later" to the wonderful people of the congregation who have become family.

However I did not imagine the PAIN I have felt in the closing of this chapter. My heart was truly ripped open wide as I departed from them. In April, I preached a sermon from the pulpit for our college recognition Sunday. I spent the week prior to that Sunday writing my sermon, practicing it, and walking down a road of sweet memories with the people of that place.  You see I could not walk into any room of the church or the sanctuary without being flooded with a memory. I realized how emotionally connected to the church I was.

At one point in the week I had a conversation with Kitty about how odd time felt at Broad Street. From day one I have felt like a part of this congregation, as if I had always been present within its doors. As if I had always known those people. Yet, the four years I spent with them also seemed to have past by in a blur. How was it already time to say goodbye? Kitty explained it well. She said that when one feels that way, it means that you are in fellowship with "a communion of saints" or in other words, in the presence of the Holy Spirit within those relationships you share.

I wept that same Sunday I preached. Truly, truly wept. My heart grieved. I cried for weeks afterwards. Even now over a month later, my heart hurts. The pain has eased some, but the string of saying goodbye has not ended.




Yet as I began there is a bright side to endings - new beginnings. I am in the transition period of a new beginning. In just a short time, I move to Atlanta to begin seminary. It is a dream I would never have imagined possible even a year ago. I would never had suspected that I would begin immediately following graduation. Here we are though. God has consistently had everything fall into place for this journey. Therefore I know it's God's will, and I must follow. No matter how scarily beautiful it may seem.


Therefore I chose to write again. It has been a powerful few months of my ministry journey that I want to share. I shall slowly. As if flipping through the pages of a photo album, I will reveal those cherished memories of events within my ministry call. What I've learned about myself, about God, about those in my life, about my ministry call.


I'm grateful. I'm thankful. I'm in awe that God has called me to a this divine journey of service.

an open letter to first semester freshmen me

As I approach the end of February I am only about two months away from my college graduation. This entire senior year I've been in a state of reflection as I do each "last of"...Tri-Sigma semi-formal....recruitment....Wednesday Evening Fellowship...etc...it's full of joy that is also met with bittersweet sentiments. Time cannot stop. I cannot prevent these next two months from going by or from walking across that stage, leaving behind a wonderful chapter of my life. With these moments of "lasts" I'm constantly looking back to my time at Presbyterian College; especially to my freshmen year as I watch all  the new faces on PC's campus. It's odd being  the oldest now with no one else to "look up to", now it is younger students looking up at me. However, I want to offer some advice I've learned in these past four years to my freshmen self:



1. Pay attention to your move in day. It'll feel like a whirlwind but you will want to recall every detail of that first day whenever you're packing on your last day before you're moving out for the last time.

2. Begin to organize your life. You will need binders for all your classes with notebooks, and labeling a few things won't cause any harm. It'll be a good habit to form before you're a senior. (Which is when I feel like I've finally grasped a basic foundation of the concept of organization.)

3. Don't be afraid to socialize a bit more. It's ok to venture down the hall or another dorm and say "hello" to friends. Go on GDH lunch dates with your sorority sisters or the people in your class you hit it off with. Eventually you'll find your way around to being close to those people, but if you overcome your shyness, you'll befriend them sooner.

4. GO STUDY. I know it seems so freeing to not be in class eight hours a day or parents to tell you to go to bed at a particular time. However, you don't understand the extra amount of work these classes will require and that's why you have extra "free time". You'll also be thankful your sophomore year when you're not having to pull up your GPA.

5. Go to Broad Street UMC the first Sunday. I know you're fearing that no church will match your experience at your home church. However, you don't understand the DEEP impact these people will have on you, and how much they will be a part of your college experience. You'll basically be living at the church, so don't worry. Don't wait those first few weeks. Go. You have no idea. GO.

6. It's ok to make mistakes. You don't have to fear every little "bump" in the road because you'll learn. That's what they are for. Be kinder to yourself. It'll be ok.

7. You'll survive those feelings of loneliness that'll fill your first days. It doesn't feel like it right now, but don't worry - you'll find your people and your place. Before you know it PC will feel like home and you'll cry every time you have to leave. I know you're hurting a lot right now, and crying a lot. But that won't last forever.

8. Go take that Introduction to Christian Education class. That nudge is there for a reason you don't yet understand. However, one day you will. One day you'll answer that ministry call you're feeling.

9. Start exercising more, and eating the buffet line less. The balance will make you feel better emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

10. ENJOY those moments. Before you know it you'll find yourself almost at the finishing line and missing those beginning days. It's a great time where your only worry is classes and spending time with your new found friends. One day you'll be figuring out what you want your first job to be and applying to seminaries as your plan for a future. It's a stressful time, and you'll miss the more carefree beginning days.

11. Don't try to have it all figured out. I know you like plans and setting up those goals. However, don't limit yourself so much on this straight path towards that "dream" without leaving some room to learn. It's ok to take those electives that seem different, and your Gen. Eds are  there to teach you about all the options. You'll wish later you had left a bit more room for exploration.

Before long you'll be wearing that cap and gown, and you'll wonder how was it that time passed so quickly from that first semester. You'll be missing it. But the future is very bright.


Sincerely,
Senior Rebecca

power of intentional community

My intention for traveling to Augusta this past Sunday afternoon was to meet a female senior pastor to discuss women leadership in the church. All for my senior thesis where I'm hoping to combine my call to ministry and my Women and Gender's Studies minor. Rev. Carolyn Moore who planted and has pastored for over 12 years the same church, Mosaic United Methodist Church, greeted me at the door of Mosaic with a warm embrace. Then I was introduced to a church with the most intentional mission vision I've ever encountered. I spent the next two hours getting a front row seat of how this church is truly "Rethinking Church".

God is pretty awesome sometimes. One of my passions incorporated into my call is mission. However, one of the first words out of Rev. Carolyn's mouth was describing that the missions of their church were "relational" - meeting the basic needs of people such as hunger or a longing for a community, then building upon that to meet their needs spiritually as the church guides them in rebuilding their lives.

As she led me on into their sanctuary I met two young adults that were waiting for the youth to arrive for that Sunday night's youth program. At 2:00 on the Sunday afternoon, the church was a buzz with members, leaders, and staff running small groups. Then, Rev. Carolyn brought me up to a banner that hung on the wall. A red pin sat in the middle of it with the words "You Are Here" surrounded by a variety of handwritten notes. I couldn't tell at first what each said, but as I got close Rev. Carolyn began to read them aloud, carefully pointing to each one. They were testimonies - former alcoholics, drug addicts, and more who had come to find Christ and community within the doors of this church.

Talk about being the living Church of Christ. I carefully read each one and saw the ways lives had been transformed. Rev. Carolyn continued to share peoples' stories of transformation as we entered the place where they did their food pantry. As she described their local mission work further, she said something I still find so profound.

"For many of these people we are their family. We are the ones who must help take care of them and support them."

I'm not going to lie and tell you that I almost wept right there standing in the middle of the room. If I've ever had a more profound moment of witnessing within a church all that I hope to one day see in the churches I serve as an Elder - THIS was it. A faith community that took care of its members and those beyond the walls. If I had to put what are my passions regarding my call into physical form, I was standing in the middle of it.

 

Small groups - honing in on technology to create a satellite version of your church to people with disabilities downtown - relational mission programs - being the hands and feet of Christ.

Then Rev. Carolyn and I went into her office and discussed one passion that might be dearest to my heart - women leadership within the church. We discussed the unique gifts that women bring to ordained ministry. What ways we can support each other - and SO much more. My heart was soaring, my soul was uplifted, and I still wanted to weep. I held them back though because I wasn't sure how Rev. Carolyn would react if the young woman in front of her just burst into uncontrollable tears. Tears of joy of course.

I was inspired as I left Mosaic that day. Not only regarding my paper, but regarding my own ministry call. This is what church looks like - taking care of each other by meeting both basic needs of people, building those relationships, and adding to them spiritually. It is about being intentional in your mission work. It is about being a community of faith - a family of faith.

This Church Mouse still wants to weep.

one year later...#meetmeatMVP

I've known this was an upcoming date on my TimeHope and Facebook history...the "one year ago" throwback from my last Sunday at Mount Vernon Place United Methodist Church in Washington, D.C. I greet this date with a lot of bittersweet sentiment. In my mind it is hard to believe that a whole year has passed since I walked into the door of MVP. Time is such a funny thing because while it feels just like yesterday, I also feel like it's been a lifetime since I was there.

My five months I was a part of the MVP congregation are such a treasured time in my memory bank and within my heart. Truthfully, that time became a sabbatical of sorts for me that God used to pull me into the full realization of my ministry call. There is also lessons from that time that I know I'll continuously use within my ministry career, regardless of where I am called, so I will constantly be returning within my mind to that time.

Yet I find myself reflecting on this day how not all that much has changed since that day one year ago, and yet so very much has. It has come to be that I am only continuously embracing who I truly am and am called (always have been) to be. Here I am one year later....

Working to complete the first stage of candidacy for ministry within the UMC. I've been on many retreats, have been assigned my mentorship group that's walking through this with me, spent time in prayer - journaling - and so much more in discernment, filled out paperwork, and found myself digging spiritually deeper within myself that I ever through possible.

And it's such a beautiful thing.

Yet one year ago I was also finding myself digging spiritually deeper within myself than I thought was possible, but the spirit had just finally pushed me to do just that - dig deep. I began a process at MVP of theological reflection, study, and witness that turned on a lifelong commitment to ministry that will never subside.

Currently I have found myself embracing the full identity of what aspect of ministry I am truly called to. A path that has taken me in one direction, around a loop and landed in a spot of peacefully acceptance that God is opening my heart/spirit to seek to become an Elder in the UMC.

This has been one of the biggest "a-ha" moments since my time of retreats in November. However, what has taken place is allowing myself the space to slow down and discern with listening ears rather than a talking mouth. A truth of seeking to become an Elder is an aspect of this that has always been presence, I just lacked the ear to listen. I rushed out of a time of sabbatical at MVP and jumped right back into my habit of control, and wanting to define my own story. I'm learning to slow down more and truthfully discern, and now God is working to reveal this plan rather than me trying to reveal it. It's a wonder I did not recognize the lesson of slowing down prior when God placed yet another remarkable clergywoman running a powerful church in my life during the spiritual sabbatical that was my months in DC. If I had listened well, I would have seen how God was using Donna's example, just as God had been using Kitty's example for two years prior, to see positive examples of the Elder I was also being called to one day become.

Currently I am working to figure out what's next.

A fact I won't reveal more on until the time is right other than to say that God is continuing to push me to reflect on those same lessons as I'm discerning what will take place after I graduate from Presbyterian College in May.

In this past year I've done a lot of morphing from one direction of my dreams for my future into God's dreams for my future. I am always saying that this direction of ministry is one that has always been present, it was just my stubborn self that was not fully listening. However, I also continue to say that I'm grateful for my reluctance to fully listen because that took me to DC. In DC God took me to MVP and allowed me to spend time with a congregation that would change my life. An encounter that would help me to fully recognize this ministry call in many real, and powerful ways that I will use always. As I reflect on this "one year later" mark, I am forever thankful that life took me to DC to be a part of something amazing, and meet wonderful people in my community of faith. I would never go back and change the course of events that led me to DC because my time there and most especially my time at MVP I wouldn't trade for the world.

I miss you all at MVP, dearly. Keep doing God's work as the hand and feet of Christ in D.C. You all are always in my thoughts and prayers.

I didn't have a "big" moment this weekend and that's okay.

My expectations for the weekend were these “big” moments of confirming, affirming, and maybe even a bit more clarity of my call. The truth is I walked away with none of that this weekend. There was no “big” powerful moment where I felt God lay upon my heart.

And I’ve come to the conclusion that that is okay because that’s not how my call is anyways.

Honestly, I shouldn’t have come into the weekend with those type of expectations because there has never been any lightning bolt moment the entire course of my call. All along my way I’ve experienced these small moments of peace whenever I’ve accepted truths of this call or had revealed another step/piece of this puzzle.

This weekend was no different and honestly I’m coming to understand that perhaps this is the greatest lesson I can take away from a weekend of discernment with so many other current or future leaders of The United Methodist Church. My moments of joy or peace or even slight frustration came to one conclusion: this church mouse likes the quiet moments better than any loud ones. And I experienced all these types of moments of quiet peace or "aha" times.

My prayers were for God to give me specific answers this weekend about my future and the intricate details of my call. The answer I received was a quiet understanding that I did not need bold moments because I already have more answers than I realized. Also, I know that it is not my job to know all the details yet. They will be known to me when the time is right, at different moments. Therefore, what I received was affirmation. Affirmation that I do feel called to seek to join the Order of Deacons within the UMC as an ordained clergywoman. While I also know that since I feel called into specialized ministry, it is women’s ministry that will be a long term focus on my future career and ministry. This concept of women’s studies through the lens of the female experience of life has long become a passion of mine. It has a been a blessing that I’ve had the chance to study it in depth in my undergraduate, and in a variety of ways as a Women and Gender’s studies minor. It wasn’t until I began taking my “Womanist, Feminist Theology and Pedagogy” class this Fall semester of senior year that God’s placed it on my heart to further my study of women, the church, and ministry into seminary as I most likely seek a Master's of Divinity somewhere yet to be determined. Continuing in this ordination process is also a confirmation from this weekend. Which is why I’m grateful or a support system that is helping my push through this process now.

There were dynamic speakers this weekend. Rev. Bridgette Young-Ross opened with the words of are we following our call according to how others are defining it for us, or for how God is defining it for us. It was these words that stopped my spirit because truthfully I’ve had a hard time swallowing that concept in the past year since fully recognizing this call.  Full individual ownership and defining details myself of this call. All those intimate details I won’t share with all here, but I will say that I realized this weekend that there is a lot of self-claiming I need to make better on with this call. I’ve also got to be ready to take steps forward in a bold faith, even if they scare me as I step into an unknown future I had no idea would be occurring when I got ready to graduate Presbyterian College.

Honestly, I expected to blog all the details of this weekend every night but too much has internally occurred spiritually. Therefore, I leave you with the simple statement that God moved in big ways this weekend while I had both past realizations affirmed and new dreams unfolded. May God be with me as I make decisions in the following months.

Thank you God for choosing me for this odd and wondrous calling.